Tag Archives: parents

Spilled milk is just that

November is designated as National Caregiver month. I’m pretty sure caregivers feel like they need more than one month of recognition for the variety of jobs they take on day in and day out. I’ve spent my fall immersed in two different caregiver situations, both where husbands are caring for their wives. The three stories below are meant to help you remember that letting go is always important when giving care, and especially during the holiday season.

Situation One: A gallon of milk

My friend with Parkinson’s disease is too weak to lift and poor from a gallon jug of milk. Seems like a relatively simple solution: buy a smaller size container. But it’s not that easy. Sure there are numerous ways to solve this, but what one needs to take into account is the relationship of the couple. For many of you, we’re talking about your parents. They’ve lived together and operated as a unit for how-ever-many years. Their long-standing habit of buying milk in a gallon size container is too difficult to break. You may suggest a whole slew of alternatives on one visit, and then return for a second visit only to find the gallon-size container of milk. So the milk gets spilled all over the counter; it’s only milk. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to convince your dad that it makes more sense to buy in smaller containers. Heck, it may even be your mother who is making the buying decision and your dad simply wants to allow her that choice. Let it go.

Situation Two: Two right feet

Your mom comes out of her room and is shuffling a bit. You notice her shoes and see that she’s wearing two shoes that look similar, but are actually two different shoes. And she’s wearing the right shoe on her left foot. This is not a big deal in and of itself, but you may feel embarrassed for her. You’re going out and this once well-dressed woman is wearing one flat shoe and one with a heel. Your dad doesn’t notice the difference. But this one isn’t just about vanity; there is a safety issue to address. If one shoe has a heel and the other is a rubber soul, she could risk a fall. Can you get rid of one of the pairs of shoes? Can you talk with your dad and suggest he help her pick out a matching pair? Seems like reasonable requests. Have the conversation, but when Mom comes out with two mis-matched shoes the next day, let it go.

Scenario Three: Dementia and decision making

“It’s up to her,” said my friend. He was referring to whether or not his wife should have a three-step eye surgery that would return her eyesight to one eye. My friend is mixing up the details of the eye surgery with her diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease (AD), saying, “There’s no cure, you know.” She’s right, but we’re not talking about AD, we’re talking about an eye procedure that would enable her to read again. You can try to talk with your mother, and maybe in the past it would’ve been a beneficial conversation. No longer. When a brain disease, such as Alzheimer’s, clouds her thinking there is no rationalizing. What makes this situation even more difficult is your dad. He is clinging to the past: Mom has always made her own decisions. Except now she can’t. She is unable. Her brain is not working in a way that allows her to digest facts and make rational decisions.

At some point, you have to let go of convincing either of your parents to change. Not easy, but necessary for your health. Find a trusted friend or a caregiver support group and vent, rant, scream, and cry. Let it out and then let it go.

Big Adventures and Unexpected Challenges

My mother was fixated on the idea of all her children being as Norwegian as possible. She claimed she was 100% Norwegian. She repeatedly told her kids that even though they had some Czech and Swedish from Dad, it was the Norwegian part that counted

She was not always an easy woman to be with, but I realized early on that the way to my mother’s good side was to fall in love with all things Norwegian. I went to St. Olaf College and by the end of my junior year, I was off to study in Norway. From then on, Norwegian was an integral part of my life—
from teaching the language to leading tours to the country. And now I live in Norway. Mom’s got to be dancing in heaven!

After 30 years, I reconnected with my college sweetheart. It didn’t take us long to figure out that we wanted to be together. Trouble was, I had a busy and active life in the States and he lived in Norway. He was a well-established American expat with two grown daughters. He enjoyed his career and wasn’t looking to start anew in the States. For me to take the leap and move to Norway seemed a cinch, a no brainer.

It was also a bit unbalancing. Even though my work has always been mobile, I still have a support system in Minnesota. Skype, email and other social media make it easier to live abroad, but there’s no substitute for hanging out in a kitchen and chatting about this and that with one’s friends.

I needed to find Support (the first letter in my SANE Method™) so I hopped on a bus and joined a  local dance class. I started opening up to Norwegian friends and made time to develop new expat friends. I sought out support. It’s the first step I take whenever I’m embarking on something new or difficult. I can’t do life alone. Even when, by all outward appearances, everything looks divine, I need support.

I chose this big adventure, and I know some of you make a choice to have your mom or dad come live with you so you can be their caregivers. We make choices for all the right reasons, but we also have to give ourselves a break and reach out when we need help. It’s the only way we can tackle big adventures, live and thrive through the unexpected challenges of our lives.

This blog first appeared as an article in my regular column in Southern Minnesota Girlfriends magazine, Spring 2018.

The Law Says Call Yer Ma

How other countries handle family caregiving is often in the news. Especially if it’s shocking…as in the case of China and India. Dak Gustal approaches the issues with his usual flair.

By Dak Gustal

Why would a country want to make a law that says children have to take care of their parents?

I was just reading this article about two giant countries in Asia doing just that. Apparently the children are so negligent, the parents are suing them for weekly phone calls. Can you imagine talking to someone who was only talking to you because the law required it? Read more »

Is Assisted Living a Dangerous Place to Live?

The PBS Frontline special “Life and Death in Assisted Living” has sparked a great deal of chatter on social media. Assisted living (AL) is not regulated like nursing home care (or SNF-skilled nursing facility), but do we want it to be? Regulations tend to put the kibosh on creative offerings.

One of the initial definitions of assisted living was “living with risk.” When I first worked in the industry, folders replaced charts; aides didn’t wear uniforms; and med carts never entered the dining room. Buildings were designed to look like country mansions with grand staircases (that residents were discouraged from using).

Assisted living in 1996 was designed to provide some assistance in a home-like setting. As people have aged in place, AL has become a less-regulated version of a nursing home. While the industry markets these communities as homes, they refer to them as facilities. Who wants to live in a facility?

As for staff being overworked, underpaid, and under-trained, I agree. Years ago my partner and I started our company Age In Motion, Inc. We designed programs to address the issue of assisted living staff that was (still is) underpaid, undervalued, and under-trained. We created a staff training that not only motivated the staff and reminded them of their importance, but also taught them about normal aging, diseases that cause dementia, family dynamics, and activities that engage individuals and groups.

I thought we’d be in demand … that everyone, especially senior housing, would want this training. Sadly, most choose to ignore aging until it happens to someone they love, then the cramming begins. But where do you get the information?

This is why I do what I do and have done what I’ve done. Let’s talk about this thing called aging, engage in understanding what happens to us as we grow older — the ups, the downs, the good, the bad. This is the package. This is why I started The Unexpected Caregiver radio show four years ago and have a mission to syndicate it throughout the US and world.

The conversation is long overdue, but it is not distasteful to have. Aging and taking care of each other is not distasteful. And if we learn about aging, plan for our aging years, research our options, we will have a better understanding of what is to come.

No, assisted living is not dangerous. It is as misunderstood as the journey of aging.

“I See Dead People”

It’s totally normal for someone who is dying to see “others” (many times relatives). They may even talk to them. You may think they’re going crazy, but it’s very common. Sometimes a dying person will say something such as, “Aunt Mildred was here and asked me to go with her….” These experiences happen, as Christine Cowgill told family caregivers on The Unexpected Caregiver Radio Show.

I realize that you may not want to discuss death, but when a loved one is dying, it can be the central theme of one’s days. Read more »

Talking about aging will help family and informal caregivers

In this video, Kari discusses aging and caregiving on Valley News Live.  Read more »

Kari Berit Personalizes Caregiving

Read more »