Tag Archives: holiday

Spilled milk is just that

November is designated as National Caregiver month. I’m pretty sure caregivers feel like they need more than one month of recognition for the variety of jobs they take on day in and day out. I’ve spent my fall immersed in two different caregiver situations, both where husbands are caring for their wives. The three stories below are meant to help you remember that letting go is always important when giving care, and especially during the holiday season.

Situation One: A gallon of milk

My friend with Parkinson’s disease is too weak to lift and poor from a gallon jug of milk. Seems like a relatively simple solution: buy a smaller size container. But it’s not that easy. Sure there are numerous ways to solve this, but what one needs to take into account is the relationship of the couple. For many of you, we’re talking about your parents. They’ve lived together and operated as a unit for how-ever-many years. Their long-standing habit of buying milk in a gallon size container is too difficult to break. You may suggest a whole slew of alternatives on one visit, and then return for a second visit only to find the gallon-size container of milk. So the milk gets spilled all over the counter; it’s only milk. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to convince your dad that it makes more sense to buy in smaller containers. Heck, it may even be your mother who is making the buying decision and your dad simply wants to allow her that choice. Let it go.

Situation Two: Two right feet

Your mom comes out of her room and is shuffling a bit. You notice her shoes and see that she’s wearing two shoes that look similar, but are actually two different shoes. And she’s wearing the right shoe on her left foot. This is not a big deal in and of itself, but you may feel embarrassed for her. You’re going out and this once well-dressed woman is wearing one flat shoe and one with a heel. Your dad doesn’t notice the difference. But this one isn’t just about vanity; there is a safety issue to address. If one shoe has a heel and the other is a rubber soul, she could risk a fall. Can you get rid of one of the pairs of shoes? Can you talk with your dad and suggest he help her pick out a matching pair? Seems like reasonable requests. Have the conversation, but when Mom comes out with two mis-matched shoes the next day, let it go.

Scenario Three: Dementia and decision making

“It’s up to her,” said my friend. He was referring to whether or not his wife should have a three-step eye surgery that would return her eyesight to one eye. My friend is mixing up the details of the eye surgery with her diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease (AD), saying, “There’s no cure, you know.” She’s right, but we’re not talking about AD, we’re talking about an eye procedure that would enable her to read again. You can try to talk with your mother, and maybe in the past it would’ve been a beneficial conversation. No longer. When a brain disease, such as Alzheimer’s, clouds her thinking there is no rationalizing. What makes this situation even more difficult is your dad. He is clinging to the past: Mom has always made her own decisions. Except now she can’t. She is unable. Her brain is not working in a way that allows her to digest facts and make rational decisions.

At some point, you have to let go of convincing either of your parents to change. Not easy, but necessary for your health. Find a trusted friend or a caregiver support group and vent, rant, scream, and cry. Let it out and then let it go.

OMG it’s the holidays—Five tips to stay S.A.N.E.

Shamed to eat seconds and thirds of the turkey dinner, loud conversations about uncomfortable topics, menfolk sleeping in the assorted Lazy Boy chairs while womenfolk did the dishes. That about sums up my childhood Thanksgiving tradition. We didn’t dare do anything different lest we offend someone. But times have changed.

Family caregivers tell me they feel stressed to keep up with intense holiday traditions “for Mom and Dad’s sake.” But if one of your parents has any dementia or physical limitations, putting on “the big family affair” no longer makes sense. All the hustle and bustle becomes overwhelming, especially for someone with dementia. Remember the acronym KISS—Keep it Simple Silly—and replace stress with letting go of what you think needs to happen.keep-calm-christmas-ball

Last Christmas our family scrapped the usual tradition of making all the food and ordered it from the local grocery store. We supplemented with some favorites, but overall we let go of the need to be in the kitchen all day. As you enter the holiday season, consider these ideas for creating more S.A.N.E.* holidays:

  • Have smaller gatherings—one of them with hot turkey and the other with cold turkey sandwiches while watching a movie
  • Book a table in your parent’s assisted living or commons room, order food and listen to Benny Goodman tunes
  • Schedule time outdoors and play in the snow or at the beach
  • Gather old photos and help your parents create books to give to younger family members, OR
  • Consider time as your gift: put away cell phones and electronic devices and be present with your loved ones

*S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty, Energized™

OMG I’m a Caregiver: Three Tips to Feel Appreciated

I never thought I’d be called at 2 a.m. to help my grandpa use the commode. Who wants to see their grandfather in such a vulnerable position? But I did it, and fortunately my grandfather was good at expressing his gratitude.

This isn’t the case with all caregiving. You didn’t ask for this new role and as one caregiver shared with me, “I do everything for my mom and my siblings can’t seem to find the time to help.” Wherever you are in your caregiving journey, old sibling rivalries often return, especially when taking care of Mom or Dad.

The second letter of my S.A.N.E. acronym, Appreciated, involves understanding that your family is not going to change now that care of a parent is needed. Be realistic and look at how your family functions (or doesn’t function). Don’t expect them to change their deeply conditioned behaviors; rather, manage your own expectations. Use these three tips to feel more appreciated:

  1. Let go of feeling you need to do it all. Allow others to help.
  2. Let go of the “shoulds.” Appreciate your own health and take time for you.
  3. Give up the idea of being thanked by others. Thank yourself.

 

 

Yes. The Holidays™

I’ve heard from many of you in response to my last blog. My heart goes out to all of us who find this time of year less jolly and more complicated. My wish is that we each find our own version of Santa belly laughs. (The coffee shop in which I find myself just had TWO Santas come in. That was confusing. Not so much for the babies, but for me. How can there be two?)

I give you Dak and his creative version of The Holidays…now a brand.

By Dak Gustal

Part 1. In which I set out this year toward Christmas instead of away from it.

For ten months of the year, The Holidays™ are ridiculously easy to survive.

Just outside the Denny’s parking lot in Big Eel, two normal people enjoy a conversation about Christmas from the safety of September:

old coupleEdith; Christmas? What’s the whoop?

Corwin: I know, right? What’s the big whoop?

Edith rattles her free weekly newspaper already blossoming in holiday style

Edith: How would we fall for fake Christmas anyway?

Corwin: I don’t know, right?

Edith: ‘S so stupid!

Corwin: Ridiculous!

Corwin stands, pulls himself to his full height, clenches into a knot then releases a stream of curses across the park at an offending red squirrel. He then resumes sitting in the exact spot the same way, as if nothing happened. Edith does not seem to notice.

Edith: You’re not gonna fall for it this year?

Corwin: I don’t know. No, right?

Edith: I’m just going to enjoy the season for what it is.

Corwin: Yeah! Just enjoy the season for what it is.

Pause.

Edith: It’s about love and peace and joy to the world and stuff. It’s no big whoop!
Corwin: I know, right? What’s the big whoop?

Part 2. In which I begin to realize the flaw contained in Part 1.

It’s December. Krampus, in the form of Our Hero’s Life Partner, explains exactly what the Big Whoop is all about:

Krampus : What’s the big whoop! I’ll tell you what the big whoop is! I got Santa infesting my brain and you don’t have any Santa in you at all and I keep getting things for Billy but Sally just has the one thing even though it’s a big ticket thing and who knows what Kevin thinks about anything, he’s so full of…

[We interrupt this Important Diatribe of Complaints to remind you that when you need to get into The Holidays™ Spirit nothing says “I love you!” like The Holidays™ Spirit of The Holidays™ 64 Calorie Tribute to The Holidays™ Holiday Nog. Get yours today!]

…when she pulled the whole tree down on top of her which is why you always have to put the biggest…are you even listening?

Hero: I wasn’t listening, but now that I know a very good reason to not ask about the whoop anymore, I was wondering if you were going to get to the part where we all come together as one big happy family and the snow falls gently outside but inside everyone is warm and happy to be together and everyone got what they really wanted which was to be seen and heard and enjoyed and cherished and to love their lives and the life you live with the people we love.

Little Girl: But the people we love are often terrible people when they’re around people that love them!

Her Brother: And as it turns out, you’re the worst one!

Uncle in the back: It’s a cultural thing!

Woman in red hat: I blame the ads!

All in Chorus: Yes! Ads are making The Holidays™ conform to their will!

Dad, pounding the table solidly, once: That’s enough! Out All Of You.

Part 3. Total Defeat. Keep Eating?

In the silent aftermath, over the soft grunting and chewing and scraping of silverware on bone china, you can hear music low in the background. Familiar, intricate music designed to hone time to the singular emotion we are all expected to share and overcome; the music always there in the background of The Holidays™, hearkening heraldic angels to sing over and over again. And once more.

The Holidays™ brought to you by It’s Just What I Always Wanted!™ For Men™
Available now everywhere!

Dak Gustal is a freelance writer and poet living in Randoph, VT. You may contact him at st.augustus@gmail.com

 

Not gonna be a Christmas Angel this year

Happy b-day Kari and Jesus003 - Version 2

1982 and my cake read “Happy Birthday Kari and Jesus”

It’s the holiday time. Oh goodie. Time to gather the family. Whether you like each other or not is irrelevant. We get together because we’re supposed to. Ads on TV and pictures in magazines of smiling, beautiful families (cast in the most traditional roles) surround us, and even though I yearn to be a part of those pictures, that is not my reality.

I worried at family gatherings that my mom would drink too much. I fretted that my sister would say something that would cause mom to cry. I brooded over the fact that, even though it was my birthday on December 25th, this day was not about me. Instead of birthday presents, I received Merry Birthday combination gifts. And they were never more special than what everyone else received.

Those feelings and memories seem so trivial when I consider what I have been given. But to a young girl, those memories created the limiting beliefs I now embody: “Everything will be alright if I don’t make a fuss or say what I want. My job is to monitor how others are feeling, to consider what, if anything, I need to do for them, and put my needs aside. (How selfish to consider my needs when there are so many other needs out there.) And my endless confusion over wanting special gifts but feeling that wish is selfish at the same time.” I’ve always figured I’ll deal with what I want later.

Later rarely comes when you’re taking care of other people’s feelings before yours. I scan a room and take the temperature of how others are doing. I then decide how I need to feel based on the feelings of others. Just writing this makes me realize how crazy this is!

So I’m stuck in stage one of “Emotional Slavery”: believing I’m responsible for the feelings of others. As I dig deeper into the work of Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication, I begin to put more intelligent words to the feelings I’ve carried for years. If others aren’t happy or don’t appear happy, I am compelled to do something. To fix the situation at the cost of ignoring my needs.

This is what I learned being a child of an alcoholic mother. I learned to enter a room cautiously, to look for potential danger (generally disguised as a thermal glass that smelled of pine needles), and to either tiptoe past the room or engage in cheerful conversation about mindless things or cut myself down in an attempt to raise her self-esteem. As if I could.

I continue doing this today. Only now I do so with my partner. I measure his mood before I either share news of my day or stumble through an uncomfortable conversation because I’m not stating what I need; rather I’m attempting to “make him feel good.” Whatever that means.

This is a crazy making! And after doing this for nearly 50 years, this way of life feels so normal that even thinking of making a change scares the hell out of me. If I speak my truth, I will hurt others and will cause pain and will be a bad girl. So I skirt around my truth. I say, “I don’t know,” when I really do know what I want. If I am honest, people will think poorly of me, “How could she be so selfish?” I clumsily try to take care of myself, but more often than not I slip backwards into this dysfunctional normalcy that makes sense and feels familiar.

And why does this all have to come to a head at the holidays? Is it the darkness that draws me naturally to examine my interior? Is it the body memories of a sour stomach every December 25th as my mom, sister, and grandma reprimanded me for feeling sorry for myself? No doubt it’s that and knowing that once again, I enter the holidays with too little money, too little work, and an unsettled feeling about my role in the world. And I feel ashamed of feeling these thoughts. It’s the holidays, for criminy sakes; cheer up!

We have a placard on our fridge that reads, “Notice! The beatings will continue until attitudes improve.” Seems to fit with the ridiculous pressure many of us embrace in the journey to becoming “a better person.” I see the issues that need attending in my life. I uncover ugliness about myself. I read about healthy communication tools, which I clearly lack in my attempts to express myself. Instead, I understand expressing my needs as selfish. And once again I want to run away from the burden of being a conflicted “Christmas Angel” (as my mother named me) and go off to some deserted island and forage for my holiday dinner. At least that way, I wouldn’t put anyone in the awkward position of having to do something for my birthday.

Having struggled with these feelings for much of my life, I often feel that people are just plain sick of Kari’s issues. “Get over yourself!” I hear people say, even though their mouths aren’t moving. And if I could find that magic eraser to remove the etchings in my bones, I would have already cleared out the messages and moved on. But that is not where I am. I am, once again, facing a past that is messing with my present and clouding any future dreams.

I even played Jesus in clown worship.

I even played Jesus in clown worship.

It’s the holiday time. Whoopi. Even my attempts to decorate the house fall short of my expectations. I’m trying to embody advice from others (and advice I’ve been known to dole out): Be gentle. Be kind. Be real. Whether or not you choose to spend holidays with your family or feel you have no choice, be present to what is. I can recognize reality and not have to like it. Reality is what it is. And for this Christmas Angel, reality is that I am unsettled, restless, and searching. I don’t like it, but it’s where I find myself.

How about we not fight with ourselves this holiday season? Huh? I’m going to try to be present in the moments, accept and love myself as I am, and create pockets of time to meditate, do yoga, and hike outside in the cold. The best gift I can give my family, friends, and the world is to be healthy. Instead of being an angel this year, I will strive to be as real as I can, with as much kindness as I can muster.

Caregiver support online

CaregivingNOW_OnlineConvoBannerWebSmallThere is a forum where you can get support on your caregiving journey. And if you’re not a caregiver (yet), I’m sure you know someone who is. Sign up here and join the conversation: http://unitedfrontmn.org/caregivingnow/.

We tend to avoid having the conversations around giving care because we feel we ‘should’ be able to do this without assistance from others. Well, that’s just not the case. We all need help when caring for someone else, lest we lose ourselves in the process.

November has been deemed National Caregivers Month and I sincerely hope that this one month of highlighting the often-times tough journey of family caregivers expands the understanding of this role.

Join me today for a special 3-day conversation focused on helping you create more joyful holidays with clearer boundaries. As always, if you want one on one help, click here. And if you’re looking for an on-going support group, check this out.

Wait until you retire to travel

Good thought, but doesn’t always work. How many times have you heard stories about your neighbor who put off travel until retirement, only to be met by a stroke and have to give up his dreams to travel?

My maternal grandfather waited. And then his Huntington’s disease spoiled his dreams of a retirement full of adventure.

In The Unexpected Caregiver, I provide creative suggestions of how to physically travel and also mentally travel from the comfort of your own home. Add to my suggestions the ideas of Thomas P. Stern of Assisted Vacation. Whether it’s Alzheimer’s disease or physical issues, the Assisted Vacation team will build a travel vacation that supports both caregivers and care receivers. Read more »

To just BE in the DOING time of year

“What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen” (Brené Brown, Daring Greatly)

Being rather than doing also requires presence. It’s easy to do, do, do—go, go, go. It’s much more challenging to sit quietly and listen.

One of my favorite holiday stories is the year I spent with my mom and dad—just the three of us—and we ate a Totino’s peperoni pizza. Read more »

A Holiday Greeting tells of a Midlife Review

I love holiday greetings! All of them. However they show up–in pictures, form or personal letters, cards–it doesn’t matter. I relish reading them over this beautiful and sometimes overwhelming time of year.

Read more »