Tag Archives: SANE

Take 15 to get SANE

UCG out in Oslo (1)

I am delighted to interview guests and produce my radio show. I also derive great pleasure from sharing my new bookThe Unexpected CaregiverHow to keep Mom & Dad safe, active, independent and yourself S.A.N.E. I write and speak on staying SANE while giving care because I know how important it is to remain balanced. Trying to care for someone else—especially family—can be calamitous if your internal messages are giving you bad advice. The SANE Method helps you get out of that emotional chaos and move into a balanced approach to giving care.

Now you can take fifteen minutes and learn a little about staying SANE. Teri Knight recently interviewed me on her weekly radio segment, “15 With the Author.” She asked me to start by reading the first paragraph of the Preface, written by Robert V. Taylor:

“Caregiving is a journey into the heart of the unexpected and the unknown. At its very worst it creates resentful caregivers or angry martyrs. At its finest it is an invitation into the depths of what it means to be human and shines a light on life that we could never have imagined.”

Robert’s words beautifully sum up the yin and yang of giving care. I invite you to take a small amount of time to listen to our upbeat conversation about how to use SANE to care for yourself while giving care to others.

I also encourage you to read my book and to remember to use the SANE Methodto help you tackle the highs and lows of caregiving. You, too, can experience the joy and fulfillment often found in providing care for family, loved ones and friends.

 

Family drama played out as adults

Siblings Spring 2017My siblings and I are together for a week. It’s a great big mix of fun and confusion. It’s as if we’re back at the dining room table in our childhood home, resuming the roles we played as children. Unresolved family issues simmer just below the laughter, ready to take center stage when the joking subsides.

I have always felt like the black sheep with my siblings but during this trip, I’ve learned that we each, in our own way, feel like “the odd one out.”

It’s not easy to come together as adults and deal with emotions that accompany diseases, aging or family caregiving. For many of us, navigating the rough waters of our childhood was challenging enough. I’ve worked through a lot of my childhood trauma, but still find it difficult to hold on to this new-found strength when in the company of my family of origin.

Our families are the first hierarchical institution we experience, the place where we feel most connected, but sometimes also where we feel most limited. Think about dinner times—where you sat and how you interacted with your family. That scene is recreated when we come together as adults to deal with heavy-duty life issues, oftentimes without the benefit of training. We simply use the limited skills we gained as children and clumsily apply them to adult situations.

I have leaned on the SANE Method™ once again, feeling supported by asking a friend to lunch, feeling appreciated by making time for walks in the woods, letting go of guilt by reminding myself that I’m doing enough, and feeling energized through getting enough rest. We can’t always have easy times with our families of origin, but we can have sanity, and that is in your hands.

Lost in a crowd of familiar faces

My dear friend Sylvia, who suffered from Alzheimer’s disease, was very agitated when I visited her at the nursing home. She was sitting in her wheelchair, banging it against the nurse’s medication cart. As I approached her I heard the nurse address her like this, “Sylvia you’re missing a shoe.” That meant nothing to Sylvia.

Later on, my dad tried to tell my friend, “This is where you can set your water glass.” Sylvia looked blankly at him and held on to her glass.

loneliness in a crowd copyEven though my dad felt that he was clear in his explanation, at a certain stage of Alzheimer’s disease sufferers can no longer follow simple instructions. We also can’t expect them to take part in or to understand our conversations, especially in large groups.

Part of what I do through my speaking engagements is help people understand what it’s like to be with familiar faces, but still feel totally lost in everyday conversation.

The closest I have been to understanding how Alzheimer’s disease can impede communication was when I was on a semester abroad in Norway. I remember one such time where I was the one completely adrift in a crowd.

A friend invited me to a party where I met a number of his friends. My Norwegian language skills were good, but nowhere near good enough to keep up with the rapid-fire conversations that were happening all around me. I felt lost, confused and totally exhausted by the end of the evening.

To top it off, I took the wrong bus to get back to where I was staying. When I finally arrived at my apartment, I was in tears. My roommate greeted me with, “We’re only going to speak English and tomorrow I’m taking you to the American Lutheran Church.” That’s how she helped me regain my footing and feel connected again.

I offer three ways to help you stay connected with a loved one who has Alzheimer’s disease and struggles to communicate:

  • Connect with your eyes—stand or sit at the same level with your loved one and look them in the eyes. Look at them when you’re talking to others, even if they aren’t able to contribute. Let them know that you see them and that they are included.
  • Slow WAY down—speak clearly and in short phrases. Allow pauses in your sentences and space for them to respond. Their response may come out in “word salad,” but nod and acknowledge them; don’t correct them. If they have lost most of their ability to speak, refrain from asking them questions that require complex responses.
  • Use touch—if they can’t form sentences, include them in the conversation by holding their hand or sitting close to them.

If you’re able to shift how you interact with a loved one suffering with Alzheimer’s disease, you also take care of yourself. You stay SANE* in a challenging caregiving world.

*Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized, explained in my new edition of The Unexpected Caregiver

A Valentine’s Day Reminder for all ages

I will never forget where I was and how I felt when my dad informed me that he had asked a woman out on a date. A date? My dad…but wait, he’s married to my mom. My mom had died in January of 2002 and it was the fall of 2003 when we were having this conversation. I knew it wasn’t too soon, but none-the-less it felt, well, weird. My dad was informing me that he had asked a woman out because we lived in a small town and he was sure I’d hear about it from one of the many local town criers if he didn’t tell me himself.

He also wanted me to meet her, which I did. Is this what it feels like when ones parents meet their child’s first date? I wasn’t sure what my role was, so I asked my dad just what he wanted from me. My approval? My advice? Then, after I breathed in and out several times, I realized that my dad simply wanted me to share this part of his life with him. Nothing more was required of me.

snow heart in mittensForget attaching the adjectives “cute and little” in front of “older couple.” The Silent Generation (those born between 1928 and 1945) is redefining intimate relationships. My dad’s generation is formally known as the people who “had to get married in order to have sex.” They are now forming new relationships, ranging from walking down the traditional marriage path to living in separate houses in different states. It doesn’t matter if they share a bed or not. What matters most is intimacy—closeness, companionship and love. Valentine’s Day serves as reminder that we all—no matter our age—need relationships that sustain us. Happy Heart Day all!

Beating depression by being both busy and engaged

When I have too much down time between projects, I can easily spend more time sleeping or surfing Netflix than is good for me. I get stuck. My depression blooms when I am not engaged in IMG_2826 - Version 2meaningful activities. I lean on my SANE Method*, knowing that the first word, Supported, is crucial to moving through a tough period. I have a circle of safe and positive friends on whom I can call.

I also understand the importance of being busy. I don’t usually subscribe to “busyness for busyness sake,” but at times there is value in simply getting out and doing something—anything. This won’t sustain me in the long run, but it works to move me through to meaningful activities.

Family caregivers can easily fall into variations of a similar trap: thinking that the appearance of their parents being busy trumps the actuality of being involved in an activity that’s engaging and meaningful to them, or thinking that — like some impromptu cruise directors on the Good Ship Getting Older — it’s somehow now up to the children to constantly be planning activities for mom and dad.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of value, mental and physical, in spending time with your parents to help them stay active and busy. But I believe it’s the “slow times” and the hours when your folks are on their own, pursuing their own interests in their own ways, that provide the greatest payoffs for their emotional and bodily health.

Just as is true with yourself, the goal is to help your parents get into things they will find enjoyable over the longer term — including activities they might do solo and under their own direction — because those are the ones they’ll do regularly and sustain by themselves.

If you notice your parents isolating themselves more and more, try opening a conversation about what brings meaning to their lives. And ask them how you can support them. Your support — whether is be simply listening to them or assisting them with ideas — can be one of the single most important things you do for your parents.

*Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized.

 

 

 

 

Making SANE resolutions after the stressful holidays (Wait…haven’t I already missed the deadline?)

You’ve just gotten through the holidays and next up is writing New Year’s resolutions. Ugh! I like the idea a friend of mine shared on Facebook; she writes a letter to herself at the end of each year, sharing her hopes, dreams and fears. She seals it up and reads the letter a year later. I may have to start writing my “letter” in November, however, because after the holiday hubbub, I’m feeling a bit melancholy.

I also feel a bit vulnerable when writing down what it is I want to achieve or do or be “when I grow up.” So I listened to Brené Brown’s TED Talk The Power of Vulnerability. What struck me this time was when she said, “We can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.” Bingo!

impossible-possibleNow I can breathe, let go and figure out what I want for 2017. When I developed the SANE Method™ (Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized) for caregivers, I knew it could also be used in many other life situations. Letting go of one year and looking forward to a new year is one such time the SANE Method™ can be used. Here’s how I used SANE™:

 

Support. I needed comfort and encouragement, so I called on a friend who could listen (without judgment) to my fears and hopes for the new year. Just the act of letting go of the negative allowed my dreams to spill out onto the page.

Appreciated. I am so thankful I asked for help. Finding ways to be grateful towards others is good, but self-appreciation can be even more important. It feels odd at first to purposefully appreciate your own actions, but just keep doing it. After a while, you will stop looking outwards for gratitude and start looking within.

Not Guilty. I used to feel guilty about asking for help (I grew up in Minnesota where we “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.”) But no more! I’ve learned from wise friends and life experiences that feeling vulnerable is my wake up call to reach out. I don’t have to be in charge all the time. Vulnerability reminds me that I am one person in a much larger village and that looking to others for help is okay.

Energized. Because I’ve worked through the first three letters in the SANE Method™, I have energy to face future challenges. Now when I tweak my resolutions, I can look at them in a completely new light and really unleash my creativity. Doing this brings about more zest for life. And if I start going down the rabbit hole of feeling scared, I simply revisit Support.

You have not missed the deadline for writing your New Year’s resolutions. There is no deadline. And whether it’s writing your resolutions or noodling out how you will fit caregiving duties into your already busy schedule, try the SANE Method™. I know it will work for you, too.

Feeling Appreciated…even during the holidays

If you ask some of my friends and family, they may tell you that I don’t like Christmas. That’s not true. What is true is that I’ve often felt let down at Christmas. Not because of the holiday itself, but, well, because it’s also my birthday. Celebrating my birthday always seems to be squeezed in between driving to the relatives and opening presents. Probably one of the most painful happy-birthday-christmas-bulbmemories I have is overhearing my grandma say to my sister, “Oh, I forgot Kari’s birthday. Grab a present from under the tree and we’ll put ‘Happy Birthday’ on it.”

When I started working on S.A.N.E.™ (Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized) for family caregivers, I looked at aspects of my life outside of caregiving that would also benefit from my SANE Method™—Today I’m asking myself, “What can I appreciate about being born on Christmas Day?” Instead of expecting others to create a “happy day” for me, now I think of SANE™ and realize that feeling Appreciated is my responsibility.

How freeing it is to let go of expectations! Rather than planning my reaction to what doesn’t happen, I plan parts of the day and allow other parts to simply flow. Among other things, I appreciate that I’ve started a new tradition of birthday breakfast. French toast, bacon, coffee, and on the occasional year, a mimosa. It is that simple.

I came into this world at dinnertime on a cold Christmas Day and I took my time. Maybe that’s why it has taken me a while to learn how I can feel Appreciated on my own, from within. On this holiday season, I wish for you to find ways to Appreciate all that you do to create light in the dark winter. Know that feeling loved and Appreciated comes from within first, before it can be shared.

Are you a care TAKER or care GIVER?

It’s a simple difference really—do you build your self-esteem around caring for another person? Do you get a small “high” from caring for another person? This is care TAKING. You may be late to work, snap at your family, or complain that you’re the only one who cares. Care Taking is all about your ego and it’s not healthy.

Care GIVING is about compassion, being centered in love and gratitude. This doesn’t mean that you set aside your own needs, however. Give care while staying S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized™. How do you support yourself? Do you appreciate what you do for someone else? Are you able to drop the guilt? And where do you go to refuel yourself when the duties of caregiving seem overwhelming?

I’m happy to announce that the new and revised edition of my book, The Unexpected Caregiver. I’ve added six new chapters to help you, the family caregiver, look after your own needs while giving care to a loved one. I’ve even added a chapter on the oftentimes tricky subject of your parents dating. You can order a copy for yourself, family and friends. I’m thrilled that I can offer this resource to you. Happy reading and please, be good to yourself.

No, You can’t do it by yourself: 5 Tips for Caregiver Support

 

My mom burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant dinner and instead of asking, “What’s wrong,” I was embarrassed. I thought, “Why can’t she pull herself together?” My mom had a disease called Huntington’s disease, which renders its victims incapable of acting what many call “normal.”

If you take care of someone with a disease that causes dementia, you are not living a “normal” life and caregiving is therefore doubly challenging. You may think, “He’s doing this just to drive me crazy,” when in reality the repetitive questions or unpredictable behavior are not malicious. You’ve known this person for years and now you are their caregiver—helping with daily tasks, while getting to know someone who is actually a very different new person.

Think of it this way: Do you ever get really frustrated at a vending machine when it won’t take your dollar bill? You straighten out the bill, insert it again, and it just keeps spitting it back, even though the bill looks fine? Your loved one may also look fine on the outside, but their brain is not working the way it used to. You need to find a new way of being with him or her, while you simultaneously figure out how to take care of yourself.

I know you want to scream. Some days you even yell at your loved one, but that only adds to your stress. This is why you must find support—a person or a group which allows you space to say all the things you simply can not say directly to your loved one. Being supported along your caregiving journey is the first step in being a S.A.N.E. caregiver—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized. Start by finding support for yourself:

  1. Educate yourself about the disease so you know what to expect.
  2. Let off steam with a trusted friend.
  3. Set aside a half-hour a day to do something just for you.
  4. Join a support group (or start one).
  5. Find ways to laugh every day.

You know you would do anything to help out someone in your shoes. It’s time to take that same spirit of helpfulness and turn it inwards. Ask for help and let others support you.