Tag Archives: Caregiving

It’s never too early, but it can suddenly become too late

After a trip to Minnesota to see family and friends in need of care, I am reminded of the importance of telling others what you want. It’s hard to imagine NOT being able to speak for oneself, but I’ve witnessed a sister and a friend struggle to do just that.

This blog, albeit a bit longer than normal, appeared as an article in Girlfriend’s Magazine earlier this year. Read, enjoy, and then put your wishes to paper:

I had an exchange student from Norway in 2010-11. Henrik and I hit it off immediately. When he asked why I had chosen to have an exchange student, I jokingly replied, “I’m grooming you to take care of me if that day comes.”

Of course I was kidding with Henrik, but sharing my wishes has never been a joke. My Health Care Directive provides a good, basic overview, but like an excellent meal, I want my care team to pay special attention to ingredients that are unique to my tastes. If you find it challenging to write down your potential needs, may I recommend writing a letter? I think of letter writing as creating a recipe book for my care. The following is just one example of what such a letter can contain.

Dear Henrik,

You asked that I let you know how to take care of your “host mamma,” because, after all, you will be one of my caregivers. (You do remember that we made a pinky-swear about this, right?) Ideally I will hold on to my faculties and you won’t need any of the information contained in these letters. But if the day comes when I need you to care for me, these letters will provide insight. (Of course I expect you to train the others on my care team.)

We had tons of fun when you lived with me. We sailed into the wee hours and slept until 10 on Saturdays. You know I love active, full days, but I’ve also grown to cherish my quieter days. Some days will even be sad. Let me have those times, mixed with spells of uproarious laughter and spontaneous kitchen dancing. I like to process my feeling and alone time is important. However, if I’m alone for more than three days, it’s time to get me out (or bring people in).

I may complain when you tell me you’re taking me out, but please persist. If I remain disconnected from others for too long, my depression can easily pull me into a very dark place. Take me to a coffee shop. We can talk, read, or simply people watch. Take me to a bookstore, even if you don’t think I can read. Let me wonder and sit amongst the books. Take me to a movie or on a drive with a stop for ice cream and people watching.

If you invite friends for dinner, don’t get so caught up in the conversation and forget about me. I could easily get lost in the rapid-fire conversations if I have dementia. Include me by simply putting your arm around me. Nod and say, “Isn’t that right, Kari.” It will be your job to help me feel connected, even if I’m not contributing. Don’t worry if I can no longer form sentences. If I’m smiling, then I’m enjoying myself.

This letter writing is a two-way street, Henrik. If you have specific questions or wonder about a specific ingredient in my overall care, please ask. And remember, you’re not to do this all by yourself. You must also take care of you.

Love you!

Your host mamma

Take 15 to get SANE

UCG out in Oslo (1)

I am delighted to interview guests and produce my radio show. I also derive great pleasure from sharing my new bookThe Unexpected CaregiverHow to keep Mom & Dad safe, active, independent and yourself S.A.N.E. I write and speak on staying SANE while giving care because I know how important it is to remain balanced. Trying to care for someone else—especially family—can be calamitous if your internal messages are giving you bad advice. The SANE Method helps you get out of that emotional chaos and move into a balanced approach to giving care.

Now you can take fifteen minutes and learn a little about staying SANE. Teri Knight recently interviewed me on her weekly radio segment, “15 With the Author.” She asked me to start by reading the first paragraph of the Preface, written by Robert V. Taylor:

“Caregiving is a journey into the heart of the unexpected and the unknown. At its very worst it creates resentful caregivers or angry martyrs. At its finest it is an invitation into the depths of what it means to be human and shines a light on life that we could never have imagined.”

Robert’s words beautifully sum up the yin and yang of giving care. I invite you to take a small amount of time to listen to our upbeat conversation about how to use SANE to care for yourself while giving care to others.

I also encourage you to read my book and to remember to use the SANE Methodto help you tackle the highs and lows of caregiving. You, too, can experience the joy and fulfillment often found in providing care for family, loved ones and friends.

 

Lost in a crowd of familiar faces

My dear friend Sylvia, who suffered from Alzheimer’s disease, was very agitated when I visited her at the nursing home. She was sitting in her wheelchair, banging it against the nurse’s medication cart. As I approached her I heard the nurse address her like this, “Sylvia you’re missing a shoe.” That meant nothing to Sylvia.

Later on, my dad tried to tell my friend, “This is where you can set your water glass.” Sylvia looked blankly at him and held on to her glass.

loneliness in a crowd copyEven though my dad felt that he was clear in his explanation, at a certain stage of Alzheimer’s disease sufferers can no longer follow simple instructions. We also can’t expect them to take part in or to understand our conversations, especially in large groups.

Part of what I do through my speaking engagements is help people understand what it’s like to be with familiar faces, but still feel totally lost in everyday conversation.

The closest I have been to understanding how Alzheimer’s disease can impede communication was when I was on a semester abroad in Norway. I remember one such time where I was the one completely adrift in a crowd.

A friend invited me to a party where I met a number of his friends. My Norwegian language skills were good, but nowhere near good enough to keep up with the rapid-fire conversations that were happening all around me. I felt lost, confused and totally exhausted by the end of the evening.

To top it off, I took the wrong bus to get back to where I was staying. When I finally arrived at my apartment, I was in tears. My roommate greeted me with, “We’re only going to speak English and tomorrow I’m taking you to the American Lutheran Church.” That’s how she helped me regain my footing and feel connected again.

I offer three ways to help you stay connected with a loved one who has Alzheimer’s disease and struggles to communicate:

  • Connect with your eyes—stand or sit at the same level with your loved one and look them in the eyes. Look at them when you’re talking to others, even if they aren’t able to contribute. Let them know that you see them and that they are included.
  • Slow WAY down—speak clearly and in short phrases. Allow pauses in your sentences and space for them to respond. Their response may come out in “word salad,” but nod and acknowledge them; don’t correct them. If they have lost most of their ability to speak, refrain from asking them questions that require complex responses.
  • Use touch—if they can’t form sentences, include them in the conversation by holding their hand or sitting close to them.

If you’re able to shift how you interact with a loved one suffering with Alzheimer’s disease, you also take care of yourself. You stay SANE* in a challenging caregiving world.

*Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized, explained in my new edition of The Unexpected Caregiver

It’s time to have The Conversation with Mom and Dad

It was probably one of the most important and treasured conversations I’ve had with my in-laws. Granted, my husband’s parents are pretty special people. They read three newspapers a day, several books each month and discuss world events. They tackle health issues head on and look for solutions and support, rather than dwell on any setbacks.

On our last visit, they sat down with my husband, John, and me, and read aloud each of the points in their Advanced Healthcare Directive. Both John and I have worked in senior housing and have professional experience helping families come to grips with end of life care. I’ve filled out my own health care directive, talked about end of life on my radio show and during presentations, and have been a part of my own dad’s planning process. But we’re older now and our parents are older. It is highly likely that any of our four parents will eventually utilize a health care directive.

two people talkingI can’t lie: It’s not necessarily an easy process, but it is profoundly rewarding. If we hadn’t read through my in-laws wishes, we would have missed several crucial details. Among these is that they do not want Hospice to come into their home. They would prefer to move into a Hospice facility. John and I thought for sure they would want to die in their home, but they have their reasons for not wanting this and now their wishes are quite clear. We know very specifically what care they want in the later stages of their lives.

Yes, we’re talking about end of life when filling out an advanced healthcare directive. But we’re also looking at how we want to be cared for while we’re still living. If you haven’t yet broached the topic with your parents, give it a try. Use my example. If they don’t want to discuss end of life issues, let it go, but try again another day. And while you’re waiting, fill out your own directive. You may just gain rich insights into how you really want to live.

Beating depression by being both busy and engaged

When I have too much down time between projects, I can easily spend more time sleeping or surfing Netflix than is good for me. I get stuck. My depression blooms when I am not engaged in IMG_2826 - Version 2meaningful activities. I lean on my SANE Method*, knowing that the first word, Supported, is crucial to moving through a tough period. I have a circle of safe and positive friends on whom I can call.

I also understand the importance of being busy. I don’t usually subscribe to “busyness for busyness sake,” but at times there is value in simply getting out and doing something—anything. This won’t sustain me in the long run, but it works to move me through to meaningful activities.

Family caregivers can easily fall into variations of a similar trap: thinking that the appearance of their parents being busy trumps the actuality of being involved in an activity that’s engaging and meaningful to them, or thinking that — like some impromptu cruise directors on the Good Ship Getting Older — it’s somehow now up to the children to constantly be planning activities for mom and dad.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of value, mental and physical, in spending time with your parents to help them stay active and busy. But I believe it’s the “slow times” and the hours when your folks are on their own, pursuing their own interests in their own ways, that provide the greatest payoffs for their emotional and bodily health.

Just as is true with yourself, the goal is to help your parents get into things they will find enjoyable over the longer term — including activities they might do solo and under their own direction — because those are the ones they’ll do regularly and sustain by themselves.

If you notice your parents isolating themselves more and more, try opening a conversation about what brings meaning to their lives. And ask them how you can support them. Your support — whether is be simply listening to them or assisting them with ideas — can be one of the single most important things you do for your parents.

*Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized.

 

 

 

 

Feeling Appreciated…even during the holidays

If you ask some of my friends and family, they may tell you that I don’t like Christmas. That’s not true. What is true is that I’ve often felt let down at Christmas. Not because of the holiday itself, but, well, because it’s also my birthday. Celebrating my birthday always seems to be squeezed in between driving to the relatives and opening presents. Probably one of the most painful happy-birthday-christmas-bulbmemories I have is overhearing my grandma say to my sister, “Oh, I forgot Kari’s birthday. Grab a present from under the tree and we’ll put ‘Happy Birthday’ on it.”

When I started working on S.A.N.E.™ (Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized) for family caregivers, I looked at aspects of my life outside of caregiving that would also benefit from my SANE Method™—Today I’m asking myself, “What can I appreciate about being born on Christmas Day?” Instead of expecting others to create a “happy day” for me, now I think of SANE™ and realize that feeling Appreciated is my responsibility.

How freeing it is to let go of expectations! Rather than planning my reaction to what doesn’t happen, I plan parts of the day and allow other parts to simply flow. Among other things, I appreciate that I’ve started a new tradition of birthday breakfast. French toast, bacon, coffee, and on the occasional year, a mimosa. It is that simple.

I came into this world at dinnertime on a cold Christmas Day and I took my time. Maybe that’s why it has taken me a while to learn how I can feel Appreciated on my own, from within. On this holiday season, I wish for you to find ways to Appreciate all that you do to create light in the dark winter. Know that feeling loved and Appreciated comes from within first, before it can be shared.

If You could stop the world, would you?

In the 1960s musical, “Stop the World—I Want to Get Off,” the lead character, Littlechap, breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience whenever he wants a do-over. How many times would you say, “Stop the world”?

stoptheworld1I acted in this play while at St. Olaf College and often recall the poignancy of that phrase: “Stop the World.” Maybe if we were not racing around, we wouldn’t need do-overs. Maybe if we measured twice, we wouldn’t make so many mistakes cutting. I’m guilty of this: The busier I am, the more successful I feel. But this is a ruse, plain and simple. I love how Brené Brown puts it: “What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being, rather than knowing, requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”

Being rather than doing also requires presence. Especially during the holidays, it’s too easy to do, do, do—go, go, go. It’s much more challenging to sit quietly and not do. It’s nearly impossible to understand that one’s self worth has little to do with how busy one is.

Possibly the best gift you can give your loved ones (and yourself) this holiday season is to stop: turn off your cell phone, shut down your computer and just hang out with your loved ones. It won’t be easy to do at first. If you’re like me, sitting still is not my norm. But the times I’ve let silence be my friend have rarely failed me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the big dinners and festivities of the holidays, but sometimes, every once in a while, let yourself off the hook and focus on the being rather than the doing.

No Guilt this Holiday season: Three ways to be kind to yourself

Having a guilt-free holiday season means being extra kind to yourself. Families can be even more demanding at this time of the year. I learned a hard lesson from visiting my sister. There were times when I only had an hour to stop off and see her, but I knew that she would not be happy with a “short” visit. I constantly felt guilty for not having more time and wound myself in knots trying to explain myself to her. She didn’t want excuses and the short visit usually ended in harsh words and bad feelings. And my guilt was not assuaged one bit.guilt-free

I am not in control of my sister’s response to my availability to visit. You are not in control over how your family reacts to your desires to spend the holidays alone or with other people. We only have control over how we respond to situations. Understanding this helps release guilt. Especially during the holidays, replace guilt with self kindness:

 

  1. Use a kindness mantra. This can be as simple as repeating the word ‘kindness’ in the morning or during a stressful commute. I often repeat my mantra word while walking. Instead of negative thoughts swimming around our heads, we need to create positive reminders that we are worthy of self care.
  2. Spread kindness. I find that when I do little, unexpected kind gestures for others, I feel loved. Just the other day I randomly offered to pay for a woman’s coffee. The look on her face was that of delightful surprise. She expressed her gratitude and I accepted it warmly.
  3. Maintain perspective with E+R=O — Events happen and how you Respond will determine the Outcome. Our egos think we have control over others’ feelings. We don’t. We can only be who we are, act with kindness, and let go of what other’s think. It’s much easier to do this when we remember how little control we have and that being kind towards others is a positive way of letting go of our pesky ego’s need for control.

OMG it’s the holidays—Five tips to stay S.A.N.E.

Shamed to eat seconds and thirds of the turkey dinner, loud conversations about uncomfortable topics, menfolk sleeping in the assorted Lazy Boy chairs while womenfolk did the dishes. That about sums up my childhood Thanksgiving tradition. We didn’t dare do anything different lest we offend someone. But times have changed.

Family caregivers tell me they feel stressed to keep up with intense holiday traditions “for Mom and Dad’s sake.” But if one of your parents has any dementia or physical limitations, putting on “the big family affair” no longer makes sense. All the hustle and bustle becomes overwhelming, especially for someone with dementia. Remember the acronym KISS—Keep it Simple Silly—and replace stress with letting go of what you think needs to happen.keep-calm-christmas-ball

Last Christmas our family scrapped the usual tradition of making all the food and ordered it from the local grocery store. We supplemented with some favorites, but overall we let go of the need to be in the kitchen all day. As you enter the holiday season, consider these ideas for creating more S.A.N.E.* holidays:

  • Have smaller gatherings—one of them with hot turkey and the other with cold turkey sandwiches while watching a movie
  • Book a table in your parent’s assisted living or commons room, order food and listen to Benny Goodman tunes
  • Schedule time outdoors and play in the snow or at the beach
  • Gather old photos and help your parents create books to give to younger family members, OR
  • Consider time as your gift: put away cell phones and electronic devices and be present with your loved ones

*S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty, Energized™

Are you a care TAKER or care GIVER?

It’s a simple difference really—do you build your self-esteem around caring for another person? Do you get a small “high” from caring for another person? This is care TAKING. You may be late to work, snap at your family, or complain that you’re the only one who cares. Care Taking is all about your ego and it’s not healthy.

Care GIVING is about compassion, being centered in love and gratitude. This doesn’t mean that you set aside your own needs, however. Give care while staying S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized™. How do you support yourself? Do you appreciate what you do for someone else? Are you able to drop the guilt? And where do you go to refuel yourself when the duties of caregiving seem overwhelming?

I’m happy to announce that the new and revised edition of my book, The Unexpected Caregiver. I’ve added six new chapters to help you, the family caregiver, look after your own needs while giving care to a loved one. I’ve even added a chapter on the oftentimes tricky subject of your parents dating. You can order a copy for yourself, family and friends. I’m thrilled that I can offer this resource to you. Happy reading and please, be good to yourself.

This month is for you

November is the month that the U.S. officially recognizes family caregivers. Why is this important? Simple. Family caregiving is a job, a role you take on many times without any pre-planning. It’s not an easy journey and many times it requires you to turn your life upside down in order to meet the needs of your loved one. I think it’s valuable that there is month dedicated to YOU—the Family Caregiver.

I’d like to share parts from this year’s Presidential Proclamation:

“Our Nation was founded on the fundamental ideal that we all do better when we look out for one another, and every day, millions of Americans from every walk of life balance their own needs with those of their loved ones as caregivers.”

take-care-of-self-first-copyThe theme of this month is “Take Care to Give Care.” You can’t give when your tank is empty. Well, you can…but it will be harder on both you and your loved one. Spend just a moment to think about how you can refill your cup.

“This month, and every month, let us lift up all those who work to tirelessly advance the health and wellness of those they love. Let us encourage those who choose to be caregivers and look toward a future where our politics and our policies reflect the selflessness and open-hearted empathy they show their loved ones every day.”

“Choosing” to be a family caregiver rarely feels like a choice. I encourage you to turn that around: Make a conscious decision about who you will be as a family caregiver. Rather than feeling like you “have to,” and that you’re “the only one,” find ways to support yourself. You don’t have to do this job alone, but you do have to ask for help. It rarely comes unbidden.

This month or any other time, I’m here for you.

3 quick tips to re-energize yourself

Last night I heard my friend coughing all night. I’m concerned that she’s not taking care of herself as she splits her time between caring for her dad and her children. With each visit, I see more of her time being eaten up by the needs of others. Acquaintances say, “Oh you’re so good to your mother.” Yes, she is—but I also want her to be good to herself.

Caregivers feel drained. It’s a tiring and energy-robbing role. In the midst of feeling exhausted you must sneak in ways to regain necessary energy. Try these three suggestions:

dscn8428

  1. Go for a quick walk around the block or into the woods. Breathe in the fresh air and imagine the oxygen filling up your brain.
  2. Crank up the music and dance. Both the physical movement and the energy of the music will give you energy. (My dad and I often break into random dance. As you can see in the picture, we enjoy!)
  3. Talk with someone about a fascinating book you’re reading. Get into it and share feelings and ideas and research even more about the topic.

You need energy to give care. You also need energy to enjoy the parts of your life that are not about being a caregiver.

How to beat the “Not-Enoughs”

“When will I see you again?” my Grandma Gladys would often ask as I was getting ready to leave. Instead of giving her a time and date I would answer with, “Well you know I’m awfully busy at college.” Part of that answer came out of frustration that my current visit didn’t seem to count. The other part was sheer ego. I wanted her to know that I was important and had a life. I rarely felt good after a visit that ended like that.

Was I doing enough? Could I have visited her more? I loved my grandma dearly, but had a lot of guilt about not doing “enough” for her. It’s hard to say what is enough and feelings of guilt only fuel your uncertainty.

guilt-1A simple way to beat the “Not Enoughs” is:

  1. Put yourself in a rational state of mind. (You may have to do math problems to move your brain from an emotional to a logical place. Try it. It works!)
  2. In that logical state, write down all that you do for your loved one. (Make no judgments as you write.)
  3. Stay in that unemotional place and look at your list.
  4. Ask yourself, “Could I do more? What would I do? How would it affect my life?”
  5. If it makes sense to do more, add in the time. If it doesn’t, look at your list again, but this time with a sense of gratitude for the time and energy you give.

Guilt will be a constant companion on our journeys as a caregiver, but you’re in control. Erase the guilt and embrace what you’re doing as enough.

No, You can’t do it by yourself: 5 Tips for Caregiver Support

 

My mom burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant dinner and instead of asking, “What’s wrong,” I was embarrassed. I thought, “Why can’t she pull herself together?” My mom had a disease called Huntington’s disease, which renders its victims incapable of acting what many call “normal.”

If you take care of someone with a disease that causes dementia, you are not living a “normal” life and caregiving is therefore doubly challenging. You may think, “He’s doing this just to drive me crazy,” when in reality the repetitive questions or unpredictable behavior are not malicious. You’ve known this person for years and now you are their caregiver—helping with daily tasks, while getting to know someone who is actually a very different new person.

Think of it this way: Do you ever get really frustrated at a vending machine when it won’t take your dollar bill? You straighten out the bill, insert it again, and it just keeps spitting it back, even though the bill looks fine? Your loved one may also look fine on the outside, but their brain is not working the way it used to. You need to find a new way of being with him or her, while you simultaneously figure out how to take care of yourself.

I know you want to scream. Some days you even yell at your loved one, but that only adds to your stress. This is why you must find support—a person or a group which allows you space to say all the things you simply can not say directly to your loved one. Being supported along your caregiving journey is the first step in being a S.A.N.E. caregiver—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized. Start by finding support for yourself:

  1. Educate yourself about the disease so you know what to expect.
  2. Let off steam with a trusted friend.
  3. Set aside a half-hour a day to do something just for you.
  4. Join a support group (or start one).
  5. Find ways to laugh every day.

You know you would do anything to help out someone in your shoes. It’s time to take that same spirit of helpfulness and turn it inwards. Ask for help and let others support you.

I See that you’re suffering; let me provide relief

“When all is said and done, killing my mother came easily. Dementia, as it descends, has a way of revealing the core of the person affected by it. My mother’s core was rotten like the brackish water at the bottom of the weeks-old vase of flowers. She had been beautiful when my father met her and still capable of love when I became their late-in-life child, but by the time she gazed up at me that day, none of this mattered.”

The first paragraph in Alice Sebold’s novel, The Almost Moon, hit me in the gut. A frustrated daughter relieves her mother’s suffering while also setting herself free from the pressures of caring for someone who no longer recognized her as her daughter.

But this is a novel. This is not real life. As soon as I finished the book, I sighed and silently asked the unthinkable, “When will we see a headline about a daughter ‘relieving’ her mother of suffering?”

And then this article appeared. Is that what this is about? When we see a mother-daughter murder-suicide in the news, alarm bells ring. I discussed this with Dak and these are our thoughts in his words:

 

It’s just one case, right? It’s not like this is happening all over the place. This is not an epidemic. It’s just a weird thing is what it is. It’s an isolated incident, that’s all.

And yet, there is a whole lot of mystery to this that opens out into many possible worlds. This story offers very little detail. The authors won’t speculate. This one will.

I can imagine reasons for this happening from many angles.

The mother had a dread disease and no one would listen to her except the daughter who decided to act to alleviate her mother’s pain and then couldn’t live with herself.

The tyrannical mother finally became weak enough for the abused daughter to overpower and kill. Then killed herself.

Sorrow at loss of being useful.
Sorrow for being a burden.
Without hope.
Interior demons hide in the dark and they look like competence to everyone else.
Despair. So many reasons for despair.
Why did she choose a gun?
A belief that there is a better afterlife.
The weight of living is too heavy.
Too much of a burden on the ones you love.
Too much of a burden on the country you love.
Loss of community to death, to convenience, to entertainment and long distance.

What are the solutions here? How do we feel when we read a story like this? I feel my mind reach out to try to comprehend what happened, but why? Do I think I might become a woman whose mother is still alive and have to face this situation myself? No. But I can imagine how it could have felt and I think it would have felt pretty bad. No matter what the story behind the people is, at least one of them was suffering and had no relief in life. We can moralize about her choice, but that doesn’t seem like a solution to me. I feel that it’s wrong to kill, but happy people have no reason to kill. A satisfied society is a safe society.

So these two…hey one of them lived to be 93. That’s some persisting. I don’t think people live to be 93 without figuring a few things out and my feeling is that she had a good way of coping with stress, one that worked. Her daughter made it to 60 and that’s saying a lot as well. (I know we’re not supposed to be impressed with how long we live now compared to the entirety of our previous existence, but I’ve been watching “Cosmos.”)

She was suffering and we were in no position to offer relief. I think the fear is that one day we will be suffering in such a way that we need help for relief and it doesn’t come, or it’s slow to come. What kind of help?

We seem divided from our heritage. We have social media instead of being social, and I think many of us are fooled into thinking that the two are equivalent. There will always be suffering, but what if we were so kind to each other and considered ourselves together as a body rather than individual and separated pieces that we all shared the suffering so it ceased being so awful to any one of us?

I think it’s easy to forget that there are solutions to our problems and they are going to be found whenever two or more of us gather together. Remember who told us to do that? Again here it is easy to get hooked into the story, but the story is alive in us. We are telling the story of ourselves right now. I know I’m not alone in preferring kindness to suffering.

Dak Gustal is a freelance writer and poet living in Randoph, VT. You may contact him at st.augustus@gmail.com

Poetry in Caregiving

Over the years Dak (a.k.a. my brother Steve) has given me a most treasured gift: his love through words and friendship. I am grateful that we are a sister and brother duo that has grown up sharing similar interests and friends. We played well together as young kids (even though I broke many of his “toy” sticks just to make him mad), acted in high school plays and marched in band at the same time. While living in Denver, CO, he sang in a church choir that I directed (often times teasing me before we sang by mouthing to me, “What are we singing?”) Today we are uncovering ways we can combine our talents to further the understanding of family caregiving and aging. I am blessed to have such a wise and loving brother on my team. It is my honor to share his thoughts about the month that is now closing and the journey of family caregiving. Read more »

Money, Age, and Big Foot

Recently I posted a question on Facebook asking for top issues when it comes to caring for Mom and Dad. One response was: “I hate trying to make sense of their finances & realizing, by looking through checkbook registers for instance, that dementia was grabbing ahold of my mom much earlier than I realized.”

There are different types of loss. When dementia takes hold or death comes too quickly, financial issues tend to scream for your attention. Right in the middle of dealing with emotions, you need to tackle financial concerns.

I interviewed Aaron Britz of Legacy Wealth Management recently. He specializes in helping women gain financial control during a life transition, such as loss of a loved one. The interview is both upbeat and informational and could be just the ticket for moving you from fear of finances to getting a grip on this often times emotional issue.

And for a completely upbeat and upside-down look at financial issues, I call on Dak Gustal. Be wise…bite off these financial issues and if you want support, contact me. Now, here’s Dak: Read more »

Getting Unstuck

“Open your new brain” I suggest to audiences and individuals. This means setting aside the rote response “I can’t do this; this won’t work in my situation.” By opening your ‘new brain’ you listen to ideas with the attitude, “I wonder how I can apply this new information?”

We all get stuck now and then. For some of us, it feels like we’ve been stuck in those glue traps set out to catch unwanted mice. And we continue doing the same thing over and over, hoping that today, the result will magically evolve. When it doesn’t it can easily throw us into a maelstrom of emotions.

Here are my suggestions to loosen the grip of the proverbially glue trap and open your new brain:

  • Get creative. I know, hard to manage when feeling stuck. So get up and dance! Call a friend or sit and color. Just do something. Don’t think about it. I have adult coloring books, if you’d like to order, and I also provide excellent suggestions for creatively interacting with your loved ones when giving care in my book.
  • Stop the mind chatter. Focus on someone else. Turn your attention to listening to another person and set your self talk on a shelf. This small act brings a double blessing—that person is truly listened to and you let go of your mind chatter for a bit.
  • Walk outside. In all weather. Look up at the trees. Breathe deeply. Listen for nature’s conversation and let it take over your mind chatter if just for a little time.
  • Use humor. Watch a stand up routine or just listen to people laugh. If nothing else, humor will shift your physiological makeup and automatically make you feel just a little better. What will it hurt?

If there’s any way I can help you get unstuck—either with caregiving issues or aging issues or heck, just living issues, let me know. I’m here to help.

Ew! Nanna and Pappa should not have sex

By Dak Gustal

Oh my! Did you know that sex is such a big deal?

I sure didn’t. I was surprised to find out that people think about and want to have sex even when they have wrinkles and gray hair.

Yeah, I took a look at this article about how people get fired when residents have sex in nursing homes, and also at this one about people that allow and expect it to happen. Read more »

Dying Gone Haywire

“Ask for help” and “Who’s on your team?” are two common phrases you’ll hear me say when it comes to caregiving, aging, or heck, just living. Taking my own advice, I called on my talented brother, Dak Gustal, who will offer fresh, humorous perspectives as an occasional guest blogger here at The Unexpected Caregiver. Please share this and other blogs. 

SteveBy Dak Gustal

The original story is called Woman Headed to Trial for Aiding Father’s Suicide.

That’s not that interesting.

Then it became: Boomers beware when caring for dying parents.
Now you got me.

This is my headline: Boomers! Bam! Pow! Yeah! Beware! Scary Parent! Run!
Perfect.

This has all the elements of a great story. I think there’s redemption coming. Read more »

Three Taboo Subjects to Raise with your Aging Parents

Finances, Mental Health and Sex: Three topics of conversation avoided in the calm times and poorly handled under crisis—especially when a conversation needs to take place between an aging parent and their adult child. Read more »

A new way to handle ‘badly behaved’ older adults

Tase them! This isn’t the first time a nursing home resident has been tased and it won’t be the last. It should cause alarm bells to be clanging in the hearts of everyone caring for an aging loved one. We aren’t given details in the report (I’m waiting for Paul Harvey to fill us in with “the rest of the story”), but it’s very disturbing to think that a professional caregiver felt it necessary to call in outside enforcement.

I’ve been in tough situations with residents. I recall Ann in a dementia care community I managed: she believed herself to be a nurse by day, thought she needed to free fellow residents by night. When our dementia care community’s water pipes sprung a leak and we needed to evacuate residents just after bedtime, Ann seized the opportunity. Read more »

Together We Can

88-year-old Betty finished the 3 1/2 hour rainy-day hike. It wasn’t something she did alone; the group walked along side her. With a walking stick in one hand, her grandson held the other. When the creek was too wide and rocky, our guide lifted Betty safely to the other side.

IMG_2927Even though some in our hiking group may have wanted to climb a peak or move more quickly, our personal desires easily gave way to the group’s goal of completing the hike as a whole. As individuals we may be preoccupied with our individual agendas, but allowing others to interrupt our preoccupations can be a sweet gift. We tune into someone else and we wake up to the present moment.

This is what it can be like to be a family caregiver. If we’re able to set aside our personal wants and tune into another person, it is a great gift to both care receiver and ourselves. When I completed Robert V. Taylor’s 21-Day Reboot, I found myself tuning both inward and also outward per his daily suggestions. When you listen to our radio interview, you will see just how helpful his 21-Day Reboot can be for family caregivers. Instead of being weighed down by daily tasks, embrace Robert’s Day 5 suggestion: “Delight affects how you participate in your own life and the world. Chose to allow yourself to be delighted by something or someone today. Tell another person about your delight.” Read more »

Wait until you retire to travel

Good thought, but doesn’t always work. How many times have you heard stories about your neighbor who put off travel until retirement, only to be met by a stroke and have to give up his dreams to travel.

My maternal grandfather waited. And then his Huntington’s disease spoiled his dreams of a retirement full of adventure.

In The Unexpected Caregiver, I provide creative suggestions of how to physically travel and also mentally travel from the comfort of your own home. Add to my suggestions the ideas of Thomas P. Stern of Assisted Vacation. Whether it’s Alzheimer’s disease or physical issues, the Assisted Vacation team will build a travel vacation that supports both caregivers and care receivers. Read more »

Time to Reboot

I’m worn out. I’ve had it. I don’t know where to turn.

I have heard these three statements in various forms quite a bit lately. With my private caregiver coaching clients, my friends, my family. I get it. Being tired after a good workout or a long day of work is one thing. Being worn down from day after day of not getting ahead, not accomplishing your to-do list (let alone your mother’s or husband’s), or feeling defeated from all you’re trying to be for everyone else…that is a whole other beast.

And the voices in your head! How do you turn them off? The non-stop judging of how little or well you’re doing, the old tapes that seem to be stuck on repeat…Those voices seem to have moved in permanently and do not listen to you screaming “Stop!”

Whether you’re a caregiver or not, my interview with Robin Collins on “The Unexpected Caregiver Radio Show” will provide you with down-to-earth, accessible advice for how to reboot your core thinking. Her wisdom resonates to the heart of your being. If you haven’t yet listened, I offer you this gift from Robin. And here’s how you can get in touch with her: lovetothe5thpower@gmail.com

Robin Collins offers that reboot we all need. And I am so grateful.