Tag Archives: Care

It’s never too early, but it can suddenly become too late

After a trip to Minnesota to see family and friends in need of care, I am reminded of the importance of telling others what you want. It’s hard to imagine NOT being able to speak for oneself, but I’ve witnessed a sister and a friend struggle to do just that.

This blog, albeit a bit longer than normal, appeared as an article in Girlfriend’s Magazine earlier this year. Read, enjoy, and then put your wishes to paper:

I had an exchange student from Norway in 2010-11. Henrik and I hit it off immediately. When he asked why I had chosen to have an exchange student, I jokingly replied, “I’m grooming you to take care of me if that day comes.”

Of course I was kidding with Henrik, but sharing my wishes has never been a joke. My Health Care Directive provides a good, basic overview, but like an excellent meal, I want my care team to pay special attention to ingredients that are unique to my tastes. If you find it challenging to write down your potential needs, may I recommend writing a letter? I think of letter writing as creating a recipe book for my care. The following is just one example of what such a letter can contain.

Dear Henrik,

You asked that I let you know how to take care of your “host mamma,” because, after all, you will be one of my caregivers. (You do remember that we made a pinky-swear about this, right?) Ideally I will hold on to my faculties and you won’t need any of the information contained in these letters. But if the day comes when I need you to care for me, these letters will provide insight. (Of course I expect you to train the others on my care team.)

We had tons of fun when you lived with me. We sailed into the wee hours and slept until 10 on Saturdays. You know I love active, full days, but I’ve also grown to cherish my quieter days. Some days will even be sad. Let me have those times, mixed with spells of uproarious laughter and spontaneous kitchen dancing. I like to process my feeling and alone time is important. However, if I’m alone for more than three days, it’s time to get me out (or bring people in).

I may complain when you tell me you’re taking me out, but please persist. If I remain disconnected from others for too long, my depression can easily pull me into a very dark place. Take me to a coffee shop. We can talk, read, or simply people watch. Take me to a bookstore, even if you don’t think I can read. Let me wonder and sit amongst the books. Take me to a movie or on a drive with a stop for ice cream and people watching.

If you invite friends for dinner, don’t get so caught up in the conversation and forget about me. I could easily get lost in the rapid-fire conversations if I have dementia. Include me by simply putting your arm around me. Nod and say, “Isn’t that right, Kari.” It will be your job to help me feel connected, even if I’m not contributing. Don’t worry if I can no longer form sentences. If I’m smiling, then I’m enjoying myself.

This letter writing is a two-way street, Henrik. If you have specific questions or wonder about a specific ingredient in my overall care, please ask. And remember, you’re not to do this all by yourself. You must also take care of you.

Love you!

Your host mamma

Take 15 to get SANE

UCG out in Oslo (1)

I am delighted to interview guests and produce my radio show. I also derive great pleasure from sharing my new bookThe Unexpected CaregiverHow to keep Mom & Dad safe, active, independent and yourself S.A.N.E. I write and speak on staying SANE while giving care because I know how important it is to remain balanced. Trying to care for someone else—especially family—can be calamitous if your internal messages are giving you bad advice. The SANE Method helps you get out of that emotional chaos and move into a balanced approach to giving care.

Now you can take fifteen minutes and learn a little about staying SANE. Teri Knight recently interviewed me on her weekly radio segment, “15 With the Author.” She asked me to start by reading the first paragraph of the Preface, written by Robert V. Taylor:

“Caregiving is a journey into the heart of the unexpected and the unknown. At its very worst it creates resentful caregivers or angry martyrs. At its finest it is an invitation into the depths of what it means to be human and shines a light on life that we could never have imagined.”

Robert’s words beautifully sum up the yin and yang of giving care. I invite you to take a small amount of time to listen to our upbeat conversation about how to use SANE to care for yourself while giving care to others.

I also encourage you to read my book and to remember to use the SANE Methodto help you tackle the highs and lows of caregiving. You, too, can experience the joy and fulfillment often found in providing care for family, loved ones and friends.

 

Lost in a crowd of familiar faces

My dear friend Sylvia, who suffered from Alzheimer’s disease, was very agitated when I visited her at the nursing home. She was sitting in her wheelchair, banging it against the nurse’s medication cart. As I approached her I heard the nurse address her like this, “Sylvia you’re missing a shoe.” That meant nothing to Sylvia.

Later on, my dad tried to tell my friend, “This is where you can set your water glass.” Sylvia looked blankly at him and held on to her glass.

loneliness in a crowd copyEven though my dad felt that he was clear in his explanation, at a certain stage of Alzheimer’s disease sufferers can no longer follow simple instructions. We also can’t expect them to take part in or to understand our conversations, especially in large groups.

Part of what I do through my speaking engagements is help people understand what it’s like to be with familiar faces, but still feel totally lost in everyday conversation.

The closest I have been to understanding how Alzheimer’s disease can impede communication was when I was on a semester abroad in Norway. I remember one such time where I was the one completely adrift in a crowd.

A friend invited me to a party where I met a number of his friends. My Norwegian language skills were good, but nowhere near good enough to keep up with the rapid-fire conversations that were happening all around me. I felt lost, confused and totally exhausted by the end of the evening.

To top it off, I took the wrong bus to get back to where I was staying. When I finally arrived at my apartment, I was in tears. My roommate greeted me with, “We’re only going to speak English and tomorrow I’m taking you to the American Lutheran Church.” That’s how she helped me regain my footing and feel connected again.

I offer three ways to help you stay connected with a loved one who has Alzheimer’s disease and struggles to communicate:

  • Connect with your eyes—stand or sit at the same level with your loved one and look them in the eyes. Look at them when you’re talking to others, even if they aren’t able to contribute. Let them know that you see them and that they are included.
  • Slow WAY down—speak clearly and in short phrases. Allow pauses in your sentences and space for them to respond. Their response may come out in “word salad,” but nod and acknowledge them; don’t correct them. If they have lost most of their ability to speak, refrain from asking them questions that require complex responses.
  • Use touch—if they can’t form sentences, include them in the conversation by holding their hand or sitting close to them.

If you’re able to shift how you interact with a loved one suffering with Alzheimer’s disease, you also take care of yourself. You stay SANE* in a challenging caregiving world.

*Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized, explained in my new edition of The Unexpected Caregiver

It’s time to have The Conversation with Mom and Dad

It was probably one of the most important and treasured conversations I’ve had with my in-laws. Granted, my husband’s parents are pretty special people. They read three newspapers a day, several books each month and discuss world events. They tackle health issues head on and look for solutions and support, rather than dwell on any setbacks.

On our last visit, they sat down with my husband, John, and me, and read aloud each of the points in their Advanced Healthcare Directive. Both John and I have worked in senior housing and have professional experience helping families come to grips with end of life care. I’ve filled out my own health care directive, talked about end of life on my radio show and during presentations, and have been a part of my own dad’s planning process. But we’re older now and our parents are older. It is highly likely that any of our four parents will eventually utilize a health care directive.

two people talkingI can’t lie: It’s not necessarily an easy process, but it is profoundly rewarding. If we hadn’t read through my in-laws wishes, we would have missed several crucial details. Among these is that they do not want Hospice to come into their home. They would prefer to move into a Hospice facility. John and I thought for sure they would want to die in their home, but they have their reasons for not wanting this and now their wishes are quite clear. We know very specifically what care they want in the later stages of their lives.

Yes, we’re talking about end of life when filling out an advanced healthcare directive. But we’re also looking at how we want to be cared for while we’re still living. If you haven’t yet broached the topic with your parents, give it a try. Use my example. If they don’t want to discuss end of life issues, let it go, but try again another day. And while you’re waiting, fill out your own directive. You may just gain rich insights into how you really want to live.

Four tips to laughing with your folks

I love being with my dad when he watches any of Peter Sellers’ Pink Panther movies. He literally cries uncontrollably and I end up cracking up just watching him. Laughter often comes spontaneously, but there are some days when I have to purposefully seek out fun. Busy caregivers can easily get buried in all the tasks of giving care. “I don’t have time to goof off,” I had one family caregiver tell me. I hear you and I understand that there are many moments in life that feel nearly joyless.

So how do we bring back the fun? How do you play, goof off, act silly during a day? I am fortunate that the man I married is never without a joke—however screwy. And even though most of his puns and word plays are “groaners,” I laugh (as do his daughters; one Mallory and Johnof them seen in the picture,  being silly with dad). It’s good for our emotional health to laugh and it certainly lifts our moods, but that’s not the only benefit.

If we constantly work, work, work, without relief, then our brains — and our bodies — begin failing us. Want an upside? Playing actually helps us get things done. Think about times you’ve struggled to complete a task, becoming more and more frustrated with yourself. Then someone does something funny, you laugh — and suddenly the task is not so difficult. When we shift our thoughts and do something out of the ordinary, our brains are refreshed and begin humming along again. Our bodies benefit, too. It’s been said that when we laugh, we release endorphins — the brain’s feel-good chemicals. Some researchers also contend that as well as lowering blood pressure, laughter increases oxygen in the blood, which encourages healing. Whether or not that’s true, I’ve found that a good laugh is worth its weight in gold.

When it comes to spending time with your parents (something your parents crave and you may dread), nothing says you can’t spend your time together playing. If you’re constantly checking your phone when you’re with your parents, or fidgeting trying to find something else to chatter about while wondering how soon you can beat a hasty retreat, odds are you really need to play.

Try these four tips:

  1. Watch a funny movie together (Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels is one of my favorites)
  2. Put on music from their era and dance (Nothing beats 50s dance music with my dad!)
  3. Reading aloud from a favorite joke book (I’m a sucker for Garrison Keillor’s Pretty Good Joke Book)
  4. Retell funny family stories (Like the time my then little brother Dave had to “relieve himself” on a car trip. Dad pulled the car off the highway, only to have Dave face the car, spraying the front fenders, causing my dad drive in reverse down the highway shoulder!)

Caregiving means taking care of some tough issues. Don’t let it consume you. Give yourself permission to laugh and include some fun time! You can find many more tips in my updated edition of The Unexpected Caregiver. And please, share your tips with me.

How long should I grieve?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI remember crying at the oddest times after my mom died. I burst into tears while sitting on the toilet once and another time when presenting in front of a group. Tears come and it’s okay.

Grief is a reaction to loss and is ongoing in many caregiving situations. The person may be alive, but we’re watching pieces of them disappear. Caregivers suffer from a double grief: grieving the end of a loved one’s life, but also grieving the small, constant changes that continually take away and diminish the person we once knew. There’s also another grief: the loss of our life as we once knew it and as we had planned it to be (we don’t have more than one life).

Generally, we don’t “get over” grief. There is no set time frame for grieving, but we do want to move through it rather than get stuck in it. For some, grieving has been such a constant companion during caregiving, that once our loved one dies, it is more of a relief than a continuation of sadness. There is no judgment about grief, but please recognize that this period of time — however long or short — is part of the process. Allow yourself time. Feel what you feel, share with others and seek support. Then give yourself permission to move beyond grief. The goal isn’t to forget. The goal is to survive the time of grief, find a way to hold onto the memories and cherish what you had.

Taken from the New & Expanded Edition of The Unexpected Caregiver®: How to keep Mom & Dad active, safe, independent and yourself S.A.N.E.

Feeling Appreciated…even during the holidays

If you ask some of my friends and family, they may tell you that I don’t like Christmas. That’s not true. What is true is that I’ve often felt let down at Christmas. Not because of the holiday itself, but, well, because it’s also my birthday. Celebrating my birthday always seems to be squeezed in between driving to the relatives and opening presents. Probably one of the most painful happy-birthday-christmas-bulbmemories I have is overhearing my grandma say to my sister, “Oh, I forgot Kari’s birthday. Grab a present from under the tree and we’ll put ‘Happy Birthday’ on it.”

When I started working on S.A.N.E.™ (Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized) for family caregivers, I looked at aspects of my life outside of caregiving that would also benefit from my SANE Method™—Today I’m asking myself, “What can I appreciate about being born on Christmas Day?” Instead of expecting others to create a “happy day” for me, now I think of SANE™ and realize that feeling Appreciated is my responsibility.

How freeing it is to let go of expectations! Rather than planning my reaction to what doesn’t happen, I plan parts of the day and allow other parts to simply flow. Among other things, I appreciate that I’ve started a new tradition of birthday breakfast. French toast, bacon, coffee, and on the occasional year, a mimosa. It is that simple.

I came into this world at dinnertime on a cold Christmas Day and I took my time. Maybe that’s why it has taken me a while to learn how I can feel Appreciated on my own, from within. On this holiday season, I wish for you to find ways to Appreciate all that you do to create light in the dark winter. Know that feeling loved and Appreciated comes from within first, before it can be shared.

OMG it’s the holidays—Five tips to stay S.A.N.E.

Shamed to eat seconds and thirds of the turkey dinner, loud conversations about uncomfortable topics, menfolk sleeping in the assorted Lazy Boy chairs while womenfolk did the dishes. That about sums up my childhood Thanksgiving tradition. We didn’t dare do anything different lest we offend someone. But times have changed.

Family caregivers tell me they feel stressed to keep up with intense holiday traditions “for Mom and Dad’s sake.” But if one of your parents has any dementia or physical limitations, putting on “the big family affair” no longer makes sense. All the hustle and bustle becomes overwhelming, especially for someone with dementia. Remember the acronym KISS—Keep it Simple Silly—and replace stress with letting go of what you think needs to happen.keep-calm-christmas-ball

Last Christmas our family scrapped the usual tradition of making all the food and ordered it from the local grocery store. We supplemented with some favorites, but overall we let go of the need to be in the kitchen all day. As you enter the holiday season, consider these ideas for creating more S.A.N.E.* holidays:

  • Have smaller gatherings—one of them with hot turkey and the other with cold turkey sandwiches while watching a movie
  • Book a table in your parent’s assisted living or commons room, order food and listen to Benny Goodman tunes
  • Schedule time outdoors and play in the snow or at the beach
  • Gather old photos and help your parents create books to give to younger family members, OR
  • Consider time as your gift: put away cell phones and electronic devices and be present with your loved ones

*S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty, Energized™

Are you a care TAKER or care GIVER?

It’s a simple difference really—do you build your self-esteem around caring for another person? Do you get a small “high” from caring for another person? This is care TAKING. You may be late to work, snap at your family, or complain that you’re the only one who cares. Care Taking is all about your ego and it’s not healthy.

Care GIVING is about compassion, being centered in love and gratitude. This doesn’t mean that you set aside your own needs, however. Give care while staying S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized™. How do you support yourself? Do you appreciate what you do for someone else? Are you able to drop the guilt? And where do you go to refuel yourself when the duties of caregiving seem overwhelming?

I’m happy to announce that the new and revised edition of my book, The Unexpected Caregiver. I’ve added six new chapters to help you, the family caregiver, look after your own needs while giving care to a loved one. I’ve even added a chapter on the oftentimes tricky subject of your parents dating. You can order a copy for yourself, family and friends. I’m thrilled that I can offer this resource to you. Happy reading and please, be good to yourself.

This month is for you

November is the month that the U.S. officially recognizes family caregivers. Why is this important? Simple. Family caregiving is a job, a role you take on many times without any pre-planning. It’s not an easy journey and many times it requires you to turn your life upside down in order to meet the needs of your loved one. I think it’s valuable that there is month dedicated to YOU—the Family Caregiver.

I’d like to share parts from this year’s Presidential Proclamation:

“Our Nation was founded on the fundamental ideal that we all do better when we look out for one another, and every day, millions of Americans from every walk of life balance their own needs with those of their loved ones as caregivers.”

take-care-of-self-first-copyThe theme of this month is “Take Care to Give Care.” You can’t give when your tank is empty. Well, you can…but it will be harder on both you and your loved one. Spend just a moment to think about how you can refill your cup.

“This month, and every month, let us lift up all those who work to tirelessly advance the health and wellness of those they love. Let us encourage those who choose to be caregivers and look toward a future where our politics and our policies reflect the selflessness and open-hearted empathy they show their loved ones every day.”

“Choosing” to be a family caregiver rarely feels like a choice. I encourage you to turn that around: Make a conscious decision about who you will be as a family caregiver. Rather than feeling like you “have to,” and that you’re “the only one,” find ways to support yourself. You don’t have to do this job alone, but you do have to ask for help. It rarely comes unbidden.

This month or any other time, I’m here for you.

3 quick tips to re-energize yourself

Last night I heard my friend coughing all night. I’m concerned that she’s not taking care of herself as she splits her time between caring for her dad and her children. With each visit, I see more of her time being eaten up by the needs of others. Acquaintances say, “Oh you’re so good to your mother.” Yes, she is—but I also want her to be good to herself.

Caregivers feel drained. It’s a tiring and energy-robbing role. In the midst of feeling exhausted you must sneak in ways to regain necessary energy. Try these three suggestions:

dscn8428

  1. Go for a quick walk around the block or into the woods. Breathe in the fresh air and imagine the oxygen filling up your brain.
  2. Crank up the music and dance. Both the physical movement and the energy of the music will give you energy. (My dad and I often break into random dance. As you can see in the picture, we enjoy!)
  3. Talk with someone about a fascinating book you’re reading. Get into it and share feelings and ideas and research even more about the topic.

You need energy to give care. You also need energy to enjoy the parts of your life that are not about being a caregiver.

How to beat the “Not-Enoughs”

“When will I see you again?” my Grandma Gladys would often ask as I was getting ready to leave. Instead of giving her a time and date I would answer with, “Well you know I’m awfully busy at college.” Part of that answer came out of frustration that my current visit didn’t seem to count. The other part was sheer ego. I wanted her to know that I was important and had a life. I rarely felt good after a visit that ended like that.

Was I doing enough? Could I have visited her more? I loved my grandma dearly, but had a lot of guilt about not doing “enough” for her. It’s hard to say what is enough and feelings of guilt only fuel your uncertainty.

guilt-1A simple way to beat the “Not Enoughs” is:

  1. Put yourself in a rational state of mind. (You may have to do math problems to move your brain from an emotional to a logical place. Try it. It works!)
  2. In that logical state, write down all that you do for your loved one. (Make no judgments as you write.)
  3. Stay in that unemotional place and look at your list.
  4. Ask yourself, “Could I do more? What would I do? How would it affect my life?”
  5. If it makes sense to do more, add in the time. If it doesn’t, look at your list again, but this time with a sense of gratitude for the time and energy you give.

Guilt will be a constant companion on our journeys as a caregiver, but you’re in control. Erase the guilt and embrace what you’re doing as enough.

OMG I’m a Caregiver: Three Tips to Feel Appreciated

I never thought I’d be called at 2 a.m. to help my grandpa use the commode. Who wants to see their grandfather in such a vulnerable position? But I did it, and fortunately my grandfather was good at expressing his gratitude.

This isn’t the case with all caregiving. You didn’t ask for this new role and as one caregiver shared with me, “I do everything for my mom and my siblings can’t seem to find the time to help.” Wherever you are in your caregiving journey, old sibling rivalries often return, especially when taking care of Mom or Dad.

The second letter of my S.A.N.E. acronym, Appreciated, involves understanding that your family is not going to change now that care of a parent is needed. Be realistic and look at how your family functions (or doesn’t function). Don’t expect them to change their deeply conditioned behaviors; rather, manage your own expectations. Use these three tips to feel more appreciated:

  1. Let go of feeling you need to do it all. Allow others to help.
  2. Let go of the “shoulds.” Appreciate your own health and take time for you.
  3. Give up the idea of being thanked by others. Thank yourself.

 

 

Incredible Cost of Giving Care

There is a cost to caring for our parents and loved ones that goes beyond the financial. Our schedules are eaten up by hiring caregivers, going to doctor appointments, answering weepy phone calls, defending our need for time away. Instead of complaining outright, we complain in public restrooms to strangers or at lunch to our best friend, while woofing down a sandwich and surfing the net for assisted living options. We yell at our kids, forgo the workout at the gym, eat out of the vending machine, and ignore those activities that gave us so much joy. They’re our parents, after all! We must take care of them.

Why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves in the role of giving care to our parents or other family? Reach beyond the usual response of, “If I don’t do it, who will?”

In my recent radio show, author Katy Butler shares her caregiving story. Her touching and trying account of looking after both parents will cause you to think. As will Dak’s blog Dying Gone Haywire from 2013.

I understand the pull of wanting to do what we “should,” and needing to set boundaries. I’m here to help and want to hear from you.

I See that you’re suffering; let me provide relief

“When all is said and done, killing my mother came easily. Dementia, as it descends, has a way of revealing the core of the person affected by it. My mother’s core was rotten like the brackish water at the bottom of the weeks-old vase of flowers. She had been beautiful when my father met her and still capable of love when I became their late-in-life child, but by the time she gazed up at me that day, none of this mattered.”

The first paragraph in Alice Sebold’s novel, The Almost Moon, hit me in the gut. A frustrated daughter relieves her mother’s suffering while also setting herself free from the pressures of caring for someone who no longer recognized her as her daughter.

But this is a novel. This is not real life. As soon as I finished the book, I sighed and silently asked the unthinkable, “When will we see a headline about a daughter ‘relieving’ her mother of suffering?”

And then this article appeared. Is that what this is about? When we see a mother-daughter murder-suicide in the news, alarm bells ring. I discussed this with Dak and these are our thoughts in his words:

 

It’s just one case, right? It’s not like this is happening all over the place. This is not an epidemic. It’s just a weird thing is what it is. It’s an isolated incident, that’s all.

And yet, there is a whole lot of mystery to this that opens out into many possible worlds. This story offers very little detail. The authors won’t speculate. This one will.

I can imagine reasons for this happening from many angles.

The mother had a dread disease and no one would listen to her except the daughter who decided to act to alleviate her mother’s pain and then couldn’t live with herself.

The tyrannical mother finally became weak enough for the abused daughter to overpower and kill. Then killed herself.

Sorrow at loss of being useful.
Sorrow for being a burden.
Without hope.
Interior demons hide in the dark and they look like competence to everyone else.
Despair. So many reasons for despair.
Why did she choose a gun?
A belief that there is a better afterlife.
The weight of living is too heavy.
Too much of a burden on the ones you love.
Too much of a burden on the country you love.
Loss of community to death, to convenience, to entertainment and long distance.

What are the solutions here? How do we feel when we read a story like this? I feel my mind reach out to try to comprehend what happened, but why? Do I think I might become a woman whose mother is still alive and have to face this situation myself? No. But I can imagine how it could have felt and I think it would have felt pretty bad. No matter what the story behind the people is, at least one of them was suffering and had no relief in life. We can moralize about her choice, but that doesn’t seem like a solution to me. I feel that it’s wrong to kill, but happy people have no reason to kill. A satisfied society is a safe society.

So these two…hey one of them lived to be 93. That’s some persisting. I don’t think people live to be 93 without figuring a few things out and my feeling is that she had a good way of coping with stress, one that worked. Her daughter made it to 60 and that’s saying a lot as well. (I know we’re not supposed to be impressed with how long we live now compared to the entirety of our previous existence, but I’ve been watching “Cosmos.”)

She was suffering and we were in no position to offer relief. I think the fear is that one day we will be suffering in such a way that we need help for relief and it doesn’t come, or it’s slow to come. What kind of help?

We seem divided from our heritage. We have social media instead of being social, and I think many of us are fooled into thinking that the two are equivalent. There will always be suffering, but what if we were so kind to each other and considered ourselves together as a body rather than individual and separated pieces that we all shared the suffering so it ceased being so awful to any one of us?

I think it’s easy to forget that there are solutions to our problems and they are going to be found whenever two or more of us gather together. Remember who told us to do that? Again here it is easy to get hooked into the story, but the story is alive in us. We are telling the story of ourselves right now. I know I’m not alone in preferring kindness to suffering.

Dak Gustal is a freelance writer and poet living in Randoph, VT. You may contact him at st.augustus@gmail.com

Expressing love for one’s father

My friend Evan’s tribute to his father resonated with how I feel about my dad. Evan tenderly illustrates the importance of recounting a parent’s influence and meaning in one’s life. I share this in hopes that it will inspire you to do the same, if not at least contemplate gifts and lessons you’ve received from your parents.

By Evan Brown

No recipe, but maybe an acknowledgement of the recipe of life.  Sometimes we face moments we know are coming, think we are preparing for and find ourselves so unprepared and wishing for more…more time, more conversations to say all the things we wanted to have the chance to say, more time to just be in the same room enjoying their company.

My father, Lee Brown, passed away, gently in the early morning.  He was 82 and had spent a long time with some serious lung issues.  I will really miss him, for all that he shepherded out of me. Read more »

Yes. The Holidays™

I’ve heard from many of you in response to my last blog. My heart goes out to all of us who find this time of year less jolly and more complicated. My wish is that we each find our own version of Santa belly laughs. (The coffee shop in which I find myself just had TWO Santas come in. That was confusing. Not so much for the babies, but for me. How can there be two?)

I give you Dak and his creative version of The Holidays…now a brand.

By Dak Gustal

Part 1. In which I set out this year toward Christmas instead of away from it.

For ten months of the year, The Holidays™ are ridiculously easy to survive.

Just outside the Denny’s parking lot in Big Eel, two normal people enjoy a conversation about Christmas from the safety of September:

old coupleEdith; Christmas? What’s the whoop?

Corwin: I know, right? What’s the big whoop?

Edith rattles her free weekly newspaper already blossoming in holiday style

Edith: How would we fall for fake Christmas anyway?

Corwin: I don’t know, right?

Edith: ‘S so stupid!

Corwin: Ridiculous!

Corwin stands, pulls himself to his full height, clenches into a knot then releases a stream of curses across the park at an offending red squirrel. He then resumes sitting in the exact spot the same way, as if nothing happened. Edith does not seem to notice.

Edith: You’re not gonna fall for it this year?

Corwin: I don’t know. No, right?

Edith: I’m just going to enjoy the season for what it is.

Corwin: Yeah! Just enjoy the season for what it is.

Pause.

Edith: It’s about love and peace and joy to the world and stuff. It’s no big whoop!
Corwin: I know, right? What’s the big whoop?

Part 2. In which I begin to realize the flaw contained in Part 1.

It’s December. Krampus, in the form of Our Hero’s Life Partner, explains exactly what the Big Whoop is all about:

Krampus : What’s the big whoop! I’ll tell you what the big whoop is! I got Santa infesting my brain and you don’t have any Santa in you at all and I keep getting things for Billy but Sally just has the one thing even though it’s a big ticket thing and who knows what Kevin thinks about anything, he’s so full of…

[We interrupt this Important Diatribe of Complaints to remind you that when you need to get into The Holidays™ Spirit nothing says “I love you!” like The Holidays™ Spirit of The Holidays™ 64 Calorie Tribute to The Holidays™ Holiday Nog. Get yours today!]

…when she pulled the whole tree down on top of her which is why you always have to put the biggest…are you even listening?

Hero: I wasn’t listening, but now that I know a very good reason to not ask about the whoop anymore, I was wondering if you were going to get to the part where we all come together as one big happy family and the snow falls gently outside but inside everyone is warm and happy to be together and everyone got what they really wanted which was to be seen and heard and enjoyed and cherished and to love their lives and the life you live with the people we love.

Little Girl: But the people we love are often terrible people when they’re around people that love them!

Her Brother: And as it turns out, you’re the worst one!

Uncle in the back: It’s a cultural thing!

Woman in red hat: I blame the ads!

All in Chorus: Yes! Ads are making The Holidays™ conform to their will!

Dad, pounding the table solidly, once: That’s enough! Out All Of You.

Part 3. Total Defeat. Keep Eating?

In the silent aftermath, over the soft grunting and chewing and scraping of silverware on bone china, you can hear music low in the background. Familiar, intricate music designed to hone time to the singular emotion we are all expected to share and overcome; the music always there in the background of The Holidays™, hearkening heraldic angels to sing over and over again. And once more.

The Holidays™ brought to you by It’s Just What I Always Wanted!™ For Men™
Available now everywhere!

Dak Gustal is a freelance writer and poet living in Randoph, VT. You may contact him at st.augustus@gmail.com

 

Poetry in Caregiving

Over the years Dak (a.k.a. my brother Steve) has given me a most treasured gift: his love through words and friendship. I am grateful that we are a sister and brother duo that has grown up sharing similar interests and friends. We played well together as young kids (even though I broke many of his “toy” sticks just to make him mad), acted in high school plays and marched in band at the same time. While living in Denver, CO, he sang in a church choir that I directed (often times teasing me before we sang by mouthing to me, “What are we singing?”) Today we are uncovering ways we can combine our talents to further the understanding of family caregiving and aging. I am blessed to have such a wise and loving brother on my team. It is my honor to share his thoughts about the month that is now closing and the journey of family caregiving. Read more »

Caregiver support online

CaregivingNOW_OnlineConvoBannerWebSmallThere is a forum where you can get support on your caregiving journey. And if you’re not a caregiver (yet), I’m sure you know someone who is. Sign up here and join the conversation: http://unitedfrontmn.org/caregivingnow/.

We tend to avoid having the conversations around giving care because we feel we ‘should’ be able to do this without assistance from others. Well, that’s just not the case. We all need help when caring for someone else, lest we lose ourselves in the process.

November has been deemed National Caregivers Month and I sincerely hope that this one month of highlighting the often-times tough journey of family caregivers expands the understanding of this role.

Join me today for a special 3-day conversation focused on helping you create more joyful holidays with clearer boundaries. As always, if you want one on one help, click here. And if you’re looking for an on-going support group, check this out.

Money, Age, and Big Foot

Recently I posted a question on Facebook asking for top issues when it comes to caring for Mom and Dad. One response was: “I hate trying to make sense of their finances & realizing, by looking through checkbook registers for instance, that dementia was grabbing ahold of my mom much earlier than I realized.”

There are different types of loss. When dementia takes hold or death comes too quickly, financial issues tend to scream for your attention. Right in the middle of dealing with emotions, you need to tackle financial concerns.

I interviewed Aaron Britz of Legacy Wealth Management recently. He specializes in helping women gain financial control during a life transition, such as loss of a loved one. The interview is both upbeat and informational and could be just the ticket for moving you from fear of finances to getting a grip on this often times emotional issue.

And for a completely upbeat and upside-down look at financial issues, I call on Dak Gustal. Be wise…bite off these financial issues and if you want support, contact me. Now, here’s Dak: Read more »

The Law Says Call Yer Ma

How other countries handle family caregiving is often in the news. Especially if it’s shocking…as in the case of China and India. Dak Gustal approaches the issues with his usual flair.

By Dak Gustal

Why would a country want to make a law that says children have to take care of their parents?

I was just reading this article about two giant countries in Asia doing just that. Apparently the children are so negligent, the parents are suing them for weekly phone calls. Can you imagine talking to someone who was only talking to you because the law required it? Read more »

Dying Gone Haywire

“Ask for help” and “Who’s on your team?” are two common phrases you’ll hear me say when it comes to caregiving, aging, or heck, just living. Taking my own advice, I called on my talented brother, Dak Gustal, who will offer fresh, humorous perspectives as an occasional guest blogger here at The Unexpected Caregiver. Please share this and other blogs. 

SteveBy Dak Gustal

The original story is called Woman Headed to Trial for Aiding Father’s Suicide.

That’s not that interesting.

Then it became: Boomers beware when caring for dying parents.
Now you got me.

This is my headline: Boomers! Bam! Pow! Yeah! Beware! Scary Parent! Run!
Perfect.

This has all the elements of a great story. I think there’s redemption coming. Read more »

Three Taboo Subjects to Raise with your Aging Parents

Finances, Mental Health and Sex: Three topics of conversation avoided in the calm times and poorly handled under crisis—especially when a conversation needs to take place between an aging parent and their adult child. Read more »

Together We Can

88-year-old Betty finished the 3 1/2 hour rainy-day hike. It wasn’t something she did alone; the group walked along side her. With a walking stick in one hand, her grandson held the other. When the creek was too wide and rocky, our guide lifted Betty safely to the other side.

IMG_2927Even though some in our hiking group may have wanted to climb a peak or move more quickly, our personal desires easily gave way to the group’s goal of completing the hike as a whole. As individuals we may be preoccupied with our individual agendas, but allowing others to interrupt our preoccupations can be a sweet gift. We tune into someone else and we wake up to the present moment.

This is what it can be like to be a family caregiver. If we’re able to set aside our personal wants and tune into another person, it is a great gift to both care receiver and ourselves. When I completed Robert V. Taylor’s 21-Day Reboot, I found myself tuning both inward and also outward per his daily suggestions. When you listen to our radio interview, you will see just how helpful his 21-Day Reboot can be for family caregivers. Instead of being weighed down by daily tasks, embrace Robert’s Day 5 suggestion: “Delight affects how you participate in your own life and the world. Chose to allow yourself to be delighted by something or someone today. Tell another person about your delight.” Read more »

To Organize or not to Organize. Is that even a question?

Just having packed for a three-week trip to Norway, I am amazed at all the stuff I think I need. And I know I’ve made copies of my passport, driver’s license, and credit cards for previous trips, but couldn’t find them before this trip. I’m sure they’re in a file. Or a pile. Somewhere.

My husband recently went in for a colonoscopy and made it a goal to complete his health care directive. He’ll file his copy with my health care directive and hopefully, if someone needed to find them, they could.

As part of a caregiver focus group, we asked family caregivers what they least expected. Top among the issues had to do with the high cost of care and spending a lot of time tracking down documents. I make reference to gathering financial and legal documents in The Unexpected Caregiver, and recently interviewed Hope Clements with My Legacy Made Easy (Listen to our radio interview here). She and her partner created this product to organize your life’s work and give peace of mind to your family caregivers. They use a three-step process to help you establish and maintain your legacy planner. You walk away with all of your important documents in one place. How cool is that?

When you’re in the emotional throes of giving care to your parents, it feels like a waste of precious time to search high and low for necessary documents. Here’s what I suggest: organize your own “stuff,” then offer to help your parents do the same. Check out www.mylegacymadeeasy.com and get in touch with me if you need help! Once many of the details are in order, you can focus on connecting. What a gift!