Tag Archives: baby boomers

A Valentine’s Day Reminder for all ages

I will never forget where I was and how I felt when my dad informed me that he had asked a woman out on a date. A date? My dad…but wait, he’s married to my mom. My mom had died in January of 2002 and it was the fall of 2003 when we were having this conversation. I knew it wasn’t too soon, but none-the-less it felt, well, weird. My dad was informing me that he had asked a woman out because we lived in a small town and he was sure I’d hear about it from one of the many local town criers if he didn’t tell me himself.

He also wanted me to meet her, which I did. Is this what it feels like when ones parents meet their child’s first date? I wasn’t sure what my role was, so I asked my dad just what he wanted from me. My approval? My advice? Then, after I breathed in and out several times, I realized that my dad simply wanted me to share this part of his life with him. Nothing more was required of me.

snow heart in mittensForget attaching the adjectives “cute and little” in front of “older couple.” The Silent Generation (those born between 1928 and 1945) is redefining intimate relationships. My dad’s generation is formally known as the people who “had to get married in order to have sex.” They are now forming new relationships, ranging from walking down the traditional marriage path to living in separate houses in different states. It doesn’t matter if they share a bed or not. What matters most is intimacy—closeness, companionship and love. Valentine’s Day serves as reminder that we all—no matter our age—need relationships that sustain us. Happy Heart Day all!

Beating depression by being both busy and engaged

When I have too much down time between projects, I can easily spend more time sleeping or surfing Netflix than is good for me. I get stuck. My depression blooms when I am not engaged in IMG_2826 - Version 2meaningful activities. I lean on my SANE Method*, knowing that the first word, Supported, is crucial to moving through a tough period. I have a circle of safe and positive friends on whom I can call.

I also understand the importance of being busy. I don’t usually subscribe to “busyness for busyness sake,” but at times there is value in simply getting out and doing something—anything. This won’t sustain me in the long run, but it works to move me through to meaningful activities.

Family caregivers can easily fall into variations of a similar trap: thinking that the appearance of their parents being busy trumps the actuality of being involved in an activity that’s engaging and meaningful to them, or thinking that — like some impromptu cruise directors on the Good Ship Getting Older — it’s somehow now up to the children to constantly be planning activities for mom and dad.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of value, mental and physical, in spending time with your parents to help them stay active and busy. But I believe it’s the “slow times” and the hours when your folks are on their own, pursuing their own interests in their own ways, that provide the greatest payoffs for their emotional and bodily health.

Just as is true with yourself, the goal is to help your parents get into things they will find enjoyable over the longer term — including activities they might do solo and under their own direction — because those are the ones they’ll do regularly and sustain by themselves.

If you notice your parents isolating themselves more and more, try opening a conversation about what brings meaning to their lives. And ask them how you can support them. Your support — whether is be simply listening to them or assisting them with ideas — can be one of the single most important things you do for your parents.

*Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized.

 

 

 

 

Are you a care TAKER or care GIVER?

It’s a simple difference really—do you build your self-esteem around caring for another person? Do you get a small “high” from caring for another person? This is care TAKING. You may be late to work, snap at your family, or complain that you’re the only one who cares. Care Taking is all about your ego and it’s not healthy.

Care GIVING is about compassion, being centered in love and gratitude. This doesn’t mean that you set aside your own needs, however. Give care while staying S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized™. How do you support yourself? Do you appreciate what you do for someone else? Are you able to drop the guilt? And where do you go to refuel yourself when the duties of caregiving seem overwhelming?

I’m happy to announce that the new and revised edition of my book, The Unexpected Caregiver. I’ve added six new chapters to help you, the family caregiver, look after your own needs while giving care to a loved one. I’ve even added a chapter on the oftentimes tricky subject of your parents dating. You can order a copy for yourself, family and friends. I’m thrilled that I can offer this resource to you. Happy reading and please, be good to yourself.

How to beat the “Not-Enoughs”

“When will I see you again?” my Grandma Gladys would often ask as I was getting ready to leave. Instead of giving her a time and date I would answer with, “Well you know I’m awfully busy at college.” Part of that answer came out of frustration that my current visit didn’t seem to count. The other part was sheer ego. I wanted her to know that I was important and had a life. I rarely felt good after a visit that ended like that.

Was I doing enough? Could I have visited her more? I loved my grandma dearly, but had a lot of guilt about not doing “enough” for her. It’s hard to say what is enough and feelings of guilt only fuel your uncertainty.

guilt-1A simple way to beat the “Not Enoughs” is:

  1. Put yourself in a rational state of mind. (You may have to do math problems to move your brain from an emotional to a logical place. Try it. It works!)
  2. In that logical state, write down all that you do for your loved one. (Make no judgments as you write.)
  3. Stay in that unemotional place and look at your list.
  4. Ask yourself, “Could I do more? What would I do? How would it affect my life?”
  5. If it makes sense to do more, add in the time. If it doesn’t, look at your list again, but this time with a sense of gratitude for the time and energy you give.

Guilt will be a constant companion on our journeys as a caregiver, but you’re in control. Erase the guilt and embrace what you’re doing as enough.

OMG I’m a Caregiver: Three Tips to Feel Appreciated

I never thought I’d be called at 2 a.m. to help my grandpa use the commode. Who wants to see their grandfather in such a vulnerable position? But I did it, and fortunately my grandfather was good at expressing his gratitude.

This isn’t the case with all caregiving. You didn’t ask for this new role and as one caregiver shared with me, “I do everything for my mom and my siblings can’t seem to find the time to help.” Wherever you are in your caregiving journey, old sibling rivalries often return, especially when taking care of Mom or Dad.

The second letter of my S.A.N.E. acronym, Appreciated, involves understanding that your family is not going to change now that care of a parent is needed. Be realistic and look at how your family functions (or doesn’t function). Don’t expect them to change their deeply conditioned behaviors; rather, manage your own expectations. Use these three tips to feel more appreciated:

  1. Let go of feeling you need to do it all. Allow others to help.
  2. Let go of the “shoulds.” Appreciate your own health and take time for you.
  3. Give up the idea of being thanked by others. Thank yourself.

 

 

Expressing love for one’s father

My friend Evan’s tribute to his father resonated with how I feel about my dad. Evan tenderly illustrates the importance of recounting a parent’s influence and meaning in one’s life. I share this in hopes that it will inspire you to do the same, if not at least contemplate gifts and lessons you’ve received from your parents.

By Evan Brown

No recipe, but maybe an acknowledgement of the recipe of life.  Sometimes we face moments we know are coming, think we are preparing for and find ourselves so unprepared and wishing for more…more time, more conversations to say all the things we wanted to have the chance to say, more time to just be in the same room enjoying their company.

My father, Lee Brown, passed away, gently in the early morning.  He was 82 and had spent a long time with some serious lung issues.  I will really miss him, for all that he shepherded out of me. Read more »

Yes. The Holidays™

I’ve heard from many of you in response to my last blog. My heart goes out to all of us who find this time of year less jolly and more complicated. My wish is that we each find our own version of Santa belly laughs. (The coffee shop in which I find myself just had TWO Santas come in. That was confusing. Not so much for the babies, but for me. How can there be two?)

I give you Dak and his creative version of The Holidays…now a brand.

By Dak Gustal

Part 1. In which I set out this year toward Christmas instead of away from it.

For ten months of the year, The Holidays™ are ridiculously easy to survive.

Just outside the Denny’s parking lot in Big Eel, two normal people enjoy a conversation about Christmas from the safety of September:

old coupleEdith; Christmas? What’s the whoop?

Corwin: I know, right? What’s the big whoop?

Edith rattles her free weekly newspaper already blossoming in holiday style

Edith: How would we fall for fake Christmas anyway?

Corwin: I don’t know, right?

Edith: ‘S so stupid!

Corwin: Ridiculous!

Corwin stands, pulls himself to his full height, clenches into a knot then releases a stream of curses across the park at an offending red squirrel. He then resumes sitting in the exact spot the same way, as if nothing happened. Edith does not seem to notice.

Edith: You’re not gonna fall for it this year?

Corwin: I don’t know. No, right?

Edith: I’m just going to enjoy the season for what it is.

Corwin: Yeah! Just enjoy the season for what it is.

Pause.

Edith: It’s about love and peace and joy to the world and stuff. It’s no big whoop!
Corwin: I know, right? What’s the big whoop?

Part 2. In which I begin to realize the flaw contained in Part 1.

It’s December. Krampus, in the form of Our Hero’s Life Partner, explains exactly what the Big Whoop is all about:

Krampus : What’s the big whoop! I’ll tell you what the big whoop is! I got Santa infesting my brain and you don’t have any Santa in you at all and I keep getting things for Billy but Sally just has the one thing even though it’s a big ticket thing and who knows what Kevin thinks about anything, he’s so full of…

[We interrupt this Important Diatribe of Complaints to remind you that when you need to get into The Holidays™ Spirit nothing says “I love you!” like The Holidays™ Spirit of The Holidays™ 64 Calorie Tribute to The Holidays™ Holiday Nog. Get yours today!]

…when she pulled the whole tree down on top of her which is why you always have to put the biggest…are you even listening?

Hero: I wasn’t listening, but now that I know a very good reason to not ask about the whoop anymore, I was wondering if you were going to get to the part where we all come together as one big happy family and the snow falls gently outside but inside everyone is warm and happy to be together and everyone got what they really wanted which was to be seen and heard and enjoyed and cherished and to love their lives and the life you live with the people we love.

Little Girl: But the people we love are often terrible people when they’re around people that love them!

Her Brother: And as it turns out, you’re the worst one!

Uncle in the back: It’s a cultural thing!

Woman in red hat: I blame the ads!

All in Chorus: Yes! Ads are making The Holidays™ conform to their will!

Dad, pounding the table solidly, once: That’s enough! Out All Of You.

Part 3. Total Defeat. Keep Eating?

In the silent aftermath, over the soft grunting and chewing and scraping of silverware on bone china, you can hear music low in the background. Familiar, intricate music designed to hone time to the singular emotion we are all expected to share and overcome; the music always there in the background of The Holidays™, hearkening heraldic angels to sing over and over again. And once more.

The Holidays™ brought to you by It’s Just What I Always Wanted!™ For Men™
Available now everywhere!

Dak Gustal is a freelance writer and poet living in Randoph, VT. You may contact him at st.augustus@gmail.com

 

Caregiver support online

CaregivingNOW_OnlineConvoBannerWebSmallThere is a forum where you can get support on your caregiving journey. And if you’re not a caregiver (yet), I’m sure you know someone who is. Sign up here and join the conversation: http://unitedfrontmn.org/caregivingnow/.

We tend to avoid having the conversations around giving care because we feel we ‘should’ be able to do this without assistance from others. Well, that’s just not the case. We all need help when caring for someone else, lest we lose ourselves in the process.

November has been deemed National Caregivers Month and I sincerely hope that this one month of highlighting the often-times tough journey of family caregivers expands the understanding of this role.

Join me today for a special 3-day conversation focused on helping you create more joyful holidays with clearer boundaries. As always, if you want one on one help, click here. And if you’re looking for an on-going support group, check this out.

Money, Age, and Big Foot

Recently I posted a question on Facebook asking for top issues when it comes to caring for Mom and Dad. One response was: “I hate trying to make sense of their finances & realizing, by looking through checkbook registers for instance, that dementia was grabbing ahold of my mom much earlier than I realized.”

There are different types of loss. When dementia takes hold or death comes too quickly, financial issues tend to scream for your attention. Right in the middle of dealing with emotions, you need to tackle financial concerns.

I interviewed Aaron Britz of Legacy Wealth Management recently. He specializes in helping women gain financial control during a life transition, such as loss of a loved one. The interview is both upbeat and informational and could be just the ticket for moving you from fear of finances to getting a grip on this often times emotional issue.

And for a completely upbeat and upside-down look at financial issues, I call on Dak Gustal. Be wise…bite off these financial issues and if you want support, contact me. Now, here’s Dak: Read more »

Getting Unstuck

“Open your new brain” I suggest to audiences and individuals. This means setting aside the rote response “I can’t do this; this won’t work in my situation.” By opening your ‘new brain’ you listen to ideas with the attitude, “I wonder how I can apply this new information?”

We all get stuck now and then. For some of us, it feels like we’ve been stuck in those glue traps set out to catch unwanted mice. And we continue doing the same thing over and over, hoping that today, the result will magically evolve. When it doesn’t it can easily throw us into a maelstrom of emotions.

Here are my suggestions to loosen the grip of the proverbially glue trap and open your new brain:

  • Get creative. I know, hard to manage when feeling stuck. So get up and dance! Call a friend or sit and color. Just do something. Don’t think about it. I have adult coloring books, if you’d like to order, and I also provide excellent suggestions for creatively interacting with your loved ones when giving care in my book.
  • Stop the mind chatter. Focus on someone else. Turn your attention to listening to another person and set your self talk on a shelf. This small act brings a double blessing—that person is truly listened to and you let go of your mind chatter for a bit.
  • Walk outside. In all weather. Look up at the trees. Breathe deeply. Listen for nature’s conversation and let it take over your mind chatter if just for a little time.
  • Use humor. Watch a stand up routine or just listen to people laugh. If nothing else, humor will shift your physiological makeup and automatically make you feel just a little better. What will it hurt?

If there’s any way I can help you get unstuck—either with caregiving issues or aging issues or heck, just living issues, let me know. I’m here to help.

What older adults know

This is where I started working with older adults. 24 years ago, I fell in love with teaching and directing adult learning programs. The experience shaped my career. My brother and I attended camp together as kids and now he’s back as an adult, sharing what I know to be a very special week:

Dak and KBBy Dak Gustal

What is knowing? What is not knowing?

I am at the Norwegian adult learning program at Concordia Language Village’s “Skogfjorden” in northern Minnesota and I am feeling good but also a little torn apart. Things move fast here, and there is a sense of motion that cannot be denied but also does not want to be fully explained, like a wave and a particle trying to compete for the same space in the mind. And this is only day two.

Here is a program predominantly led and attended by older adults and when you hear that, you might be tempted to think there should be a slow pace going on. You would be wrong.

These are not people waiting around for some kind of reward; they are teaching and reaching out to all that is around them, embracing their interests and uninhibited by learning.

DSC_0069

These are people that are willing and able to tell the truth of their lives and they share readily of themselves here without reserve.

They are not growing old despite their aging; they are also not burdened with the idea that they are more than what they are.

They are comfortable with their lives and because of this, they are able to offer themselves up with a kind of joy and openness that you don’t find in youth.

Contrast this with the serenity of the setting—the deep, northern woods, beautiful rustic cabins and pristine lakes in the cooling colors of autumn—and you feel life in a way that is its own reward. The mix of active and strident work learning a new language with the natural pace of deep nature is life itself lived fully.

***

At Buck Lake, Late September, 2013

Few look
But if you do
Come open
Fly apart
The leaves
Falling here
Are your heart
The wind
Breathes
For you
Forever here
You will not survive
This kind of beauty
Look anyway

Dak Gustal is a freelance writer and poet living in Randoph, VT. You may contact him at st.augustus@gmail.com

The Law Says Call Yer Ma

How other countries handle family caregiving is often in the news. Especially if it’s shocking…as in the case of China and India. Dak Gustal approaches the issues with his usual flair.

By Dak Gustal

Why would a country want to make a law that says children have to take care of their parents?

I was just reading this article about two giant countries in Asia doing just that. Apparently the children are so negligent, the parents are suing them for weekly phone calls. Can you imagine talking to someone who was only talking to you because the law required it? Read more »

Ew! Nanna and Pappa should not have sex

By Dak Gustal

Oh my! Did you know that sex is such a big deal?

I sure didn’t. I was surprised to find out that people think about and want to have sex even when they have wrinkles and gray hair.

Yeah, I took a look at this article about how people get fired when residents have sex in nursing homes, and also at this one about people that allow and expect it to happen. Read more »

Dying Gone Haywire

“Ask for help” and “Who’s on your team?” are two common phrases you’ll hear me say when it comes to caregiving, aging, or heck, just living. Taking my own advice, I called on my talented brother, Dak Gustal, who will offer fresh, humorous perspectives as an occasional guest blogger here at The Unexpected Caregiver. Please share this and other blogs. 

SteveBy Dak Gustal

The original story is called Woman Headed to Trial for Aiding Father’s Suicide.

That’s not that interesting.

Then it became: Boomers beware when caring for dying parents.
Now you got me.

This is my headline: Boomers! Bam! Pow! Yeah! Beware! Scary Parent! Run!
Perfect.

This has all the elements of a great story. I think there’s redemption coming. Read more »

Is Assisted Living a Dangerous Place to Live?

The PBS Frontline special “Life and Death in Assisted Living” has sparked a great deal of chatter on social media. Assisted living (AL) is not regulated like nursing home care (or SNF-skilled nursing facility), but do we want it to be? Regulations tend to put the kibosh on creative offerings.

One of the initial definitions of assisted living was “living with risk.” When I first worked in the industry, folders replaced charts; aides didn’t wear uniforms; and med carts never entered the dining room. Buildings were designed to look like country mansions with grand staircases (that residents were discouraged from using).

Assisted living in 1996 was designed to provide some assistance in a home-like setting. As people have aged in place, AL has become a less-regulated version of a nursing home. While the industry markets these communities as homes, they refer to them as facilities. Who wants to live in a facility?

As for staff being overworked, underpaid, and under-trained, I agree. Years ago my partner and I started our company Age In Motion, Inc. We designed programs to address the issue of assisted living staff that was (still is) underpaid, undervalued, and under-trained. We created a staff training that not only motivated the staff and reminded them of their importance, but also taught them about normal aging, diseases that cause dementia, family dynamics, and activities that engage individuals and groups.

I thought we’d be in demand … that everyone, especially senior housing, would want this training. Sadly, most choose to ignore aging until it happens to someone they love, then the cramming begins. But where do you get the information?

This is why I do what I do and have done what I’ve done. Let’s talk about this thing called aging, engage in understanding what happens to us as we grow older — the ups, the downs, the good, the bad. This is the package. This is why I started The Unexpected Caregiver radio show four years ago and have a mission to syndicate it throughout the US and world.

The conversation is long overdue, but it is not distasteful to have. Aging and taking care of each other is not distasteful. And if we learn about aging, plan for our aging years, research our options, we will have a better understanding of what is to come.

No, assisted living is not dangerous. It is as misunderstood as the journey of aging.

To Organize or not to Organize. Is that even a question?

Just having packed for a three-week trip to Norway, I am amazed at all the stuff I think I need. And I know I’ve made copies of my passport, driver’s license, and credit cards for previous trips, but couldn’t find them before this trip. I’m sure they’re in a file. Or a pile. Somewhere.

My husband recently went in for a colonoscopy and made it a goal to complete his health care directive. He’ll file his copy with my health care directive and hopefully, if someone needed to find them, they could.

As part of a caregiver focus group, we asked family caregivers what they least expected. Top among the issues had to do with the high cost of care and spending a lot of time tracking down documents. I make reference to gathering financial and legal documents in The Unexpected Caregiver, and recently interviewed Hope Clements with My Legacy Made Easy (Listen to our radio interview here). She and her partner created this product to organize your life’s work and give peace of mind to your family caregivers. They use a three-step process to help you establish and maintain your legacy planner. You walk away with all of your important documents in one place. How cool is that?

When you’re in the emotional throes of giving care to your parents, it feels like a waste of precious time to search high and low for necessary documents. Here’s what I suggest: organize your own “stuff,” then offer to help your parents do the same. Check out www.mylegacymadeeasy.com and get in touch with me if you need help! Once many of the details are in order, you can focus on connecting. What a gift!

Wait until you retire to travel

Good thought, but doesn’t always work. How many times have you heard stories about your neighbor who put off travel until retirement, only to be met by a stroke and have to give up his dreams to travel.

My maternal grandfather waited. And then his Huntington’s disease spoiled his dreams of a retirement full of adventure.

In The Unexpected Caregiver, I provide creative suggestions of how to physically travel and also mentally travel from the comfort of your own home. Add to my suggestions the ideas of Thomas P. Stern of Assisted Vacation. Whether it’s Alzheimer’s disease or physical issues, the Assisted Vacation team will build a travel vacation that supports both caregivers and care receivers. Read more »

Songs in my head

I think in song lyrics. I open my laptop and the words to a Bahamian lullaby pop out of my mouth: “All my files Lord, so-oon be open.” This just happens with me. And yet if you sit beside me in church when I have the words of a hymn in front of me, I’ll sing different words. My good friend Emily chuckles and says, “How can you get the notes so right and the words so wrong?”

Music has always been a part of my life. It’s something I can share during a presentation or at the bedside of a Hospice patient. When I worked in a dementia care community, I used song to greet the residents. Music can be used to shift moods, to acknowledge sadness, to release anger, to embrace happiness. As a family caregiver, you can use music to connect with your parents. Instead of listening to “their” music or “your music,” take turns. My dad and I dance to Madonna and Frankie Valli. Instead of telling your kids or grandkids to “turn off that noise,” engage with them. What is it about the beat, the words, the band that they enjoy?

IMG_2513More than just enjoyment, music can also be used to help someone who has suffered a stroke to relearn how to speak, a person with Parkinson’s disease to improve their posture and reduce pain, or a patient in Hospice to leave a song legacy. I welcomed back Melissa Hirokawa, M.M. MT-BC, Neurologic Music Therapy Fellow, on “The Unexpected Caregiver Radio Show,” where we focused on using music in stroke therapy. Melissa clearly loves her job and shares delightful stories of how her work has improved the lives of those elders to whom she gives care. Our previous interview focused on how music therapy supports the family caregiver. Both interviews are upbeat and insightful.

Whether you engage a music therapist, use songs to connect with your loved one, or like me, think in songs, let music support your on your caregiving journey.

Time to Reboot

I’m worn out. I’ve had it. I don’t know where to turn.

I have heard these three statements in various forms quite a bit lately. With my private caregiver coaching clients, my friends, my family. I get it. Being tired after a good workout or a long day of work is one thing. Being worn down from day after day of not getting ahead, not accomplishing your to-do list (let alone your mother’s or husband’s), or feeling defeated from all you’re trying to be for everyone else…that is a whole other beast.

And the voices in your head! How do you turn them off? The non-stop judging of how little or well you’re doing, the old tapes that seem to be stuck on repeat…Those voices seem to have moved in permanently and do not listen to you screaming “Stop!”

Whether you’re a caregiver or not, my interview with Robin Collins on “The Unexpected Caregiver Radio Show” will provide you with down-to-earth, accessible advice for how to reboot your core thinking. Her wisdom resonates to the heart of your being. If you haven’t yet listened, I offer you this gift from Robin. And here’s how you can get in touch with her: lovetothe5thpower@gmail.com

Robin Collins offers that reboot we all need. And I am so grateful.

“I See Dead People”

It’s totally normal for someone who is dying to see “others” (many times relatives). They may even talk to them. You may think they’re going crazy, but it’s very common. Sometimes a dying person will say something such as, “Aunt Mildred was here and asked me to go with her….” These experiences happen, as Christine Cowgill told family caregivers on The Unexpected Caregiver Radio Show.

I realize that you may not want to discuss death, but when a loved one is dying, it can be the central theme of one’s days. Read more »

Monsters are only scary when we don’t face them

As a little girl, I was afraid of monsters in the closet. When my parents came to tuck me in, I made sure Dad shut the closet doors tight. Once the lights went out I never looked in the closet. The fear of growing old is just as scary to many. We buy products to help us cover it up, reverse it, or change its color. And even though demographics paint a clear picture that we are moving from a predominantly youth nation to a “mature” one, we still try to outrun the unknown that comes with aging. It’s almost as if we want to stuff anything having to do with growing older in the closet and shut the door tight.

2013 Marge and Kari

Marge recently presented me with one of her beautiful gourd creations

Marge Engelman, a professor and now a dear friend, was the first person that asked me to look at myself as an older woman. For a class exercise, she had us draw ourselves as an 85-year-old person—how we envisioned looking, what we were doing and with whom. This was my first course in aging studies during my Master’s work in 1994. What an eye-opener! I now teach that exercise in my presentations and like me, people experience many “ah-ha” moments. Once the door is open and the conversation rolling about what aging is all about, fear drops off. Looking at this mysterious, oftentimes-scary part of our lives called “aging,” is much like the monsters I imagined in my closet as a little girl. When I bravely looked in my childhood closet, the only thing frightening about the inside of my closet was if my parents decided to open it and discover my secret cleaning methods. I was afraid of what could be in there.

I am blessed that I have spent a great deal of time working with and around older adults. I have many elderly friends. I love them and embrace their aging…so why not my own aging? When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the aging changes. I also see the future possibilities and the many crazy times that have formed my face. I encourage you to look into the face of aging—have conversations with friends, talk with an older person, look in the mirror and observe the changes without judging. I hope that one day we all embrace aging instead of ignoring, fearing, and trying to make it—aging—go away.

Thank You, My Not Always Perfect Mom

KG & DianneMy mom died January of 2002. Even though I was a choir director at the time and living in Denver, CO, I got the gut call to fly home for Christmas. I felt an intuition that I should sing The Birthday of a King for my mom, a song that, over the years, she had often requested and that last year I honored. We had tickets to return to Denver on December 26th, but learned—at the airport—our flight had been permanently cancelled. Eric flew out the next day, but I remained because Mom had just been admitted to the hospital and Dad wanted me to stay. I stayed that time and one other, when we received the doctor’s diagnosis of liver cancer. That third time I tried to return to Colorado, Mom died. Read more »

Are You a “Wise Hoot”?

I designed a seminar called “Connecting with and Coaching Caregivers of Older Adults” for Health Ed and presented in Des Moines, IA, this past Friday. I travel to Cedar Rapids next week and then Milwaukee in May. I had a great group of professional caregivers last Friday, all eager to learn better methods of supporting the family caregiver.

One participant named Liz came back after lunch with a crazy, owl ring. She gave it to me and said, “This is because you’re wise and you’re a hoot.” Read more »

It’s not you; it’s your hormones

Thank you Dr. Sara Gottfried for reminding us to stop blaming ourselves and take a look at our biology. If our hormones are out of balance, we’re struggling against our selves. I gained invaluable insights into hormones during my radio interview with Dr. Sara: Caregiving and Hormones.

As women and as caregivers, we tend to give and give and give. Dr. Sara sees thousands of women in her medical practice. The majority of her patients fall into the classic definition Read more »

What to do with the Stuff in Your Life

Stuff. I have surrounded myself with things from my past—the December angel figurine my mother gave me when I was a little girl, the wooden deer pin from my Grandma Jo, the Avon Sweet Honesty girl brushing her hair. But as I’m entering into my 50th year, those things don’t hold the same meaning as they once did. I want to clear out. I seek a clean, clutter-free environment. Don’t get me wrong, Rageddy Ann still hangs out in my bedroom Read more »