November is designated as National Caregiver month. I’m pretty sure caregivers feel like they need more than one month of recognition for the variety of jobs they take on day in and day out. I’ve spent my fall immersed in two different caregiver situations, both where husbands are caring for their wives. The three stories below are meant to help you remember that letting go is always important when giving care, and especially during the holiday season.
Situation One: A gallon of milk
My friend with Parkinson’s disease is too weak to lift and poor from a gallon jug of milk. Seems like a relatively simple solution: buy a smaller size container. But it’s not that easy. Sure there are numerous ways to solve this, but what one needs to take into account is the relationship of the couple. For many of you, we’re talking about your parents. They’ve lived together and operated as a unit for how-ever-many years. Their long-standing habit of buying milk in a gallon size container is too difficult to break. You may suggest a whole slew of alternatives on one visit, and then return for a second visit only to find the gallon-size container of milk. So the milk gets spilled all over the counter; it’s only milk. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to convince your dad that it makes more sense to buy in smaller containers. Heck, it may even be your mother who is making the buying decision and your dad simply wants to allow her that choice. Let it go.
Situation Two: Two right feet
Your mom comes out of her room and is shuffling a bit. You notice her shoes and see that she’s wearing two shoes that look similar, but are actually two different shoes. And she’s wearing the right shoe on her left foot. This is not a big deal in and of itself, but you may feel embarrassed for her. You’re going out and this once well-dressed woman is wearing one flat shoe and one with a heel. Your dad doesn’t notice the difference. But this one isn’t just about vanity; there is a safety issue to address. If one shoe has a heel and the other is a rubber soul, she could risk a fall. Can you get rid of one of the pairs of shoes? Can you talk with your dad and suggest he help her pick out a matching pair? Seems like reasonable requests. Have the conversation, but when Mom comes out with two mis-matched shoes the next day, let it go.
Scenario Three: Dementia and decision making
“It’s up to her,” said my friend. He was referring to whether or not his wife should have a three-step eye surgery that would return her eyesight to one eye. My friend is mixing up the details of the eye surgery with her diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease (AD), saying, “There’s no cure, you know.” She’s right, but we’re not talking about AD, we’re talking about an eye procedure that would enable her to read again. You can try to talk with your mother, and maybe in the past it would’ve been a beneficial conversation. No longer. When a brain disease, such as Alzheimer’s, clouds her thinking there is no rationalizing. What makes this situation even more difficult is your dad. He is clinging to the past: Mom has always made her own decisions. Except now she can’t. She is unable. Her brain is not working in a way that allows her to digest facts and make rational decisions.
At some point, you have to let go of convincing either of your parents to change. Not easy, but necessary for your health. Find a trusted friend or a caregiver support group and vent, rant, scream, and cry. Let it out and then let it go.