Reconnecting with Mom and Dad

How do you reconnect with Mom and Dad? Even if one of them has a disease that causes dementia? It is often a challenge, especially when we’re trying to do something “special.” Family issues get in the way and we get frustrated. Your parents may not move as quickly as you do and you get irritated. When they don’t hear you (and you don’t understand them), tensions rise.

But I’m talking about reconnecting with them and not doing anything special. I recently interviewed Dr. Victoria Sweet, author of God’s Hotel. Dr. Sweet worked for over 20 years at San Francisco’s old Laguna Honda Hospital, a giant chronic care facility for the city’s destitute and ill. At one point in the interview, she said, “There’s nothing like presence and giving someone space.” Another reminder of the importance of being with someone vs. doing for someone. Dr. Sweet used to sit on the bedsides of her patients and listen. Or at times, just sit. It is that simple. But you must let go of the to-do list or the notion of doing something special.

Showing up is half the battle, but when you do, allowing someone space to express themselves—to cry or to laugh—is priceless.

Of course there are other ways to actively reconnect with your parents (and that is exactly what I talk about in The Unexpected Caregiver). Bring in a picture, a children’s story, a memento, and hook into your parent’s memories: “Tell me about this handkerchief, Mom” or “What is special about this book, Dad?”  Be gentle if there is memory loss. Reconnecting is not about the correct answer, but is more about sharing stories.

And don’t forget to hook into your parents by just sitting beside them, connecting through silence. Silence is, after all, golden.

Categories: Caring for the Caregiver, Dementia, The Unexpected Caregiver Radio Show

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