I want to see my parents!

When you want to visit your parents, but they’re in Corona Virus lockdown…as are you.

You thought making the decision to move your parents into senior living was tough? Not being allowed to visit is ten times harder. Most senior living communities are locked down due to the Covid-19 pandemic. No visitors, which includes family members. The original reasons for having your mom or dad move into senior living haven’t changed, but since then, the world has changed. The idea of not being able to visit feels unfair, even mean-spirited, yet it is imperative during this pandemic.

Skyping with my dad

You have the same feeling as when you were little; you want your mom or dad to be with you in times of uncertainty. Of course you want to see them. I want to see my dad, too, but because of Covid-19 travel restrictions, I won’t be making my regular visits in the foreseeable future. This means I won’t be able to see or hug my dad, or resume our cribbage tournament. We have had to find new ways to “see” each other. Although he resisted Skype at first, we are now enjoying our electronic visits. During one call, I was eating chocolate and my dad said, “I’d like a piece, too.” To which I answered, “Too bad; it’s all mine.” We laugh and talk seriously. We share programs we’re watching, books we’re reading, and walks we’ve taken. It’s not the same as in-person visits, but as my dad always says, “These are the cards we’re dealt.”

We’re all navigating very uncomfortable times, and to top it off, the care of your loved ones is in the hands of the senior living care team, people who may still feel a bit like strangers. How can they love your parents the way you do? They’ve only known your parents for a couple years, while you’ve known your parents for a lifetime.

I’ve worked as a manager in all levels of senior housing and I know that the professionals who look after your parents grow to love their residents—your parents—unconditionally. They become a second family. The news often reports on the negative aspects of senior housing, and there are issues, I understand that. What is not reported are the mundane, day-to-day interactions that staff members have with your loved ones. The countless smiles they exchange, the warm greetings heard in passing, and the endless patience in listening to familiar stories shared, perhaps many times. The list goes on and on.

Senior living is not perfect. Home care is not perfect. And certainly, you taking your parents into your home at this point would not be perfect, either. It’s too easy to question everything during a crisis, even decisions that were soundly made.

When we come out on the other side of this pandemic, we probably won’t be returning to normal. As with any change, we will create a new normal. Connecting with my dad electronically will be part of that. I see senior care communities also using technology, or doing something as simple as setting a chair by a window, so that family members can visit with only glass between them.

For someone with dementia, this type of virtual visit can be complicated or confusing. Before the crisis hit, I helped move a man into dementia care. His loving wife had reached the end of her ability to provide care, and even though she knew this was the best decision, it was still extremely hard.

Now she can’t physically visit him. Both she and the community where he lives are in Covid-19 quarantine. One of the creative ways she has been communicating with her husband of 60-plus years is sending large-font emails, complete with pictures, to the activity director. The staff then prints off the emails and after reading them aloud to him, leaves them by the bedside. This allows her husband to “hear” her words as many times as he chooses. Because of his dementia, he may not always understand his wife’s words, or why she isn’t physically there, but I trust something reaches him. Hearing her familiar words will touch an emotional cord even if he’s unable to acknowledge their effect, out loud.

We don’t know whether or not people with dementia understand lockdown due to Corona virus. It’s not a very digestible concept for many of us either. There is no need to “make them” understand or explain why you can’t visit. What is important in these trying times is to trust that the team of people who we consider essential, is caring for your parents. They are taking necessary precautions to keep your loved ones safe and disease free. And most importantly, many of them love your parents. It’s not the same love that you have for your parents, but it is a kind and patient devotion.

We will get through this, even if the “new normal” hasn’t yet been determined. In the meantime, it’s important to remember that something as insignificant as a phone call to your loved one can make a world of difference for both of you.

Categories: Aging, Caregiving Issues, Caring for the Caregiver

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