Category Archives: wrinkles and gray hair

Yes. The Holidays™

I’ve heard from many of you in response to my last blog. My heart goes out to all of us who find this time of year less jolly and more complicated. My wish is that we each find our own version of Santa belly laughs. (The coffee shop in which I find myself just had TWO Santas come in. That was confusing. Not so much for the babies, but for me. How can there be two?)

I give you Dak and his creative version of The Holidays…now a brand.

By Dak Gustal

Part 1. In which I set out this year toward Christmas instead of away from it.

For ten months of the year, The Holidays™ are ridiculously easy to survive.

Just outside the Denny’s parking lot in Big Eel, two normal people enjoy a conversation about Christmas from the safety of September:

old coupleEdith; Christmas? What’s the whoop?

Corwin: I know, right? What’s the big whoop?

Edith rattles her free weekly newspaper already blossoming in holiday style

Edith: How would we fall for fake Christmas anyway?

Corwin: I don’t know, right?

Edith: ‘S so stupid!

Corwin: Ridiculous!

Corwin stands, pulls himself to his full height, clenches into a knot then releases a stream of curses across the park at an offending red squirrel. He then resumes sitting in the exact spot the same way, as if nothing happened. Edith does not seem to notice.

Edith: You’re not gonna fall for it this year?

Corwin: I don’t know. No, right?

Edith: I’m just going to enjoy the season for what it is.

Corwin: Yeah! Just enjoy the season for what it is.

Pause.

Edith: It’s about love and peace and joy to the world and stuff. It’s no big whoop!
Corwin: I know, right? What’s the big whoop?

Part 2. In which I begin to realize the flaw contained in Part 1.

It’s December. Krampus, in the form of Our Hero’s Life Partner, explains exactly what the Big Whoop is all about:

Krampus : What’s the big whoop! I’ll tell you what the big whoop is! I got Santa infesting my brain and you don’t have any Santa in you at all and I keep getting things for Billy but Sally just has the one thing even though it’s a big ticket thing and who knows what Kevin thinks about anything, he’s so full of…

[We interrupt this Important Diatribe of Complaints to remind you that when you need to get into The Holidays™ Spirit nothing says “I love you!” like The Holidays™ Spirit of The Holidays™ 64 Calorie Tribute to The Holidays™ Holiday Nog. Get yours today!]

…when she pulled the whole tree down on top of her which is why you always have to put the biggest…are you even listening?

Hero: I wasn’t listening, but now that I know a very good reason to not ask about the whoop anymore, I was wondering if you were going to get to the part where we all come together as one big happy family and the snow falls gently outside but inside everyone is warm and happy to be together and everyone got what they really wanted which was to be seen and heard and enjoyed and cherished and to love their lives and the life you live with the people we love.

Little Girl: But the people we love are often terrible people when they’re around people that love them!

Her Brother: And as it turns out, you’re the worst one!

Uncle in the back: It’s a cultural thing!

Woman in red hat: I blame the ads!

All in Chorus: Yes! Ads are making The Holidays™ conform to their will!

Dad, pounding the table solidly, once: That’s enough! Out All Of You.

Part 3. Total Defeat. Keep Eating?

In the silent aftermath, over the soft grunting and chewing and scraping of silverware on bone china, you can hear music low in the background. Familiar, intricate music designed to hone time to the singular emotion we are all expected to share and overcome; the music always there in the background of The Holidays™, hearkening heraldic angels to sing over and over again. And once more.

The Holidays™ brought to you by It’s Just What I Always Wanted!™ For Men™
Available now everywhere!

Dak Gustal is a freelance writer and poet living in Randoph, VT. You may contact him at st.augustus@gmail.com