Category Archives: Author

Take 15 to get SANE

UCG out in Oslo (1)

I am delighted to interview guests and produce my radio show. I also derive great pleasure from sharing my new bookThe Unexpected CaregiverHow to keep Mom & Dad safe, active, independent and yourself S.A.N.E. I write and speak on staying SANE while giving care because I know how important it is to remain balanced. Trying to care for someone else—especially family—can be calamitous if your internal messages are giving you bad advice. The SANE Method helps you get out of that emotional chaos and move into a balanced approach to giving care.

Now you can take fifteen minutes and learn a little about staying SANE. Teri Knight recently interviewed me on her weekly radio segment, “15 With the Author.” She asked me to start by reading the first paragraph of the Preface, written by Robert V. Taylor:

“Caregiving is a journey into the heart of the unexpected and the unknown. At its very worst it creates resentful caregivers or angry martyrs. At its finest it is an invitation into the depths of what it means to be human and shines a light on life that we could never have imagined.”

Robert’s words beautifully sum up the yin and yang of giving care. I invite you to take a small amount of time to listen to our upbeat conversation about how to use SANE to care for yourself while giving care to others.

I also encourage you to read my book and to remember to use the SANE Methodto help you tackle the highs and lows of caregiving. You, too, can experience the joy and fulfillment often found in providing care for family, loved ones and friends.

 

How long should I grieve?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI remember crying at the oddest times after my mom died. I burst into tears while sitting on the toilet once and another time when presenting in front of a group. Tears come and it’s okay.

Grief is a reaction to loss and is ongoing in many caregiving situations. The person may be alive, but we’re watching pieces of them disappear. Caregivers suffer from a double grief: grieving the end of a loved one’s life, but also grieving the small, constant changes that continually take away and diminish the person we once knew. There’s also another grief: the loss of our life as we once knew it and as we had planned it to be (we don’t have more than one life).

Generally, we don’t “get over” grief. There is no set time frame for grieving, but we do want to move through it rather than get stuck in it. For some, grieving has been such a constant companion during caregiving, that once our loved one dies, it is more of a relief than a continuation of sadness. There is no judgment about grief, but please recognize that this period of time — however long or short — is part of the process. Allow yourself time. Feel what you feel, share with others and seek support. Then give yourself permission to move beyond grief. The goal isn’t to forget. The goal is to survive the time of grief, find a way to hold onto the memories and cherish what you had.

Taken from the New & Expanded Edition of The Unexpected Caregiver®: How to keep Mom & Dad active, safe, independent and yourself S.A.N.E.

Making SANE resolutions after the stressful holidays (Wait…haven’t I already missed the deadline?)

You’ve just gotten through the holidays and next up is writing New Year’s resolutions. Ugh! I like the idea a friend of mine shared on Facebook; she writes a letter to herself at the end of each year, sharing her hopes, dreams and fears. She seals it up and reads the letter a year later. I may have to start writing my “letter” in November, however, because after the holiday hubbub, I’m feeling a bit melancholy.

I also feel a bit vulnerable when writing down what it is I want to achieve or do or be “when I grow up.” So I listened to Brené Brown’s TED Talk The Power of Vulnerability. What struck me this time was when she said, “We can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.” Bingo!

impossible-possibleNow I can breathe, let go and figure out what I want for 2017. When I developed the SANE Method™ (Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized) for caregivers, I knew it could also be used in many other life situations. Letting go of one year and looking forward to a new year is one such time the SANE Method™ can be used. Here’s how I used SANE™:

 

Support. I needed comfort and encouragement, so I called on a friend who could listen (without judgment) to my fears and hopes for the new year. Just the act of letting go of the negative allowed my dreams to spill out onto the page.

Appreciated. I am so thankful I asked for help. Finding ways to be grateful towards others is good, but self-appreciation can be even more important. It feels odd at first to purposefully appreciate your own actions, but just keep doing it. After a while, you will stop looking outwards for gratitude and start looking within.

Not Guilty. I used to feel guilty about asking for help (I grew up in Minnesota where we “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.”) But no more! I’ve learned from wise friends and life experiences that feeling vulnerable is my wake up call to reach out. I don’t have to be in charge all the time. Vulnerability reminds me that I am one person in a much larger village and that looking to others for help is okay.

Energized. Because I’ve worked through the first three letters in the SANE Method™, I have energy to face future challenges. Now when I tweak my resolutions, I can look at them in a completely new light and really unleash my creativity. Doing this brings about more zest for life. And if I start going down the rabbit hole of feeling scared, I simply revisit Support.

You have not missed the deadline for writing your New Year’s resolutions. There is no deadline. And whether it’s writing your resolutions or noodling out how you will fit caregiving duties into your already busy schedule, try the SANE Method™. I know it will work for you, too.

Feeling Appreciated…even during the holidays

If you ask some of my friends and family, they may tell you that I don’t like Christmas. That’s not true. What is true is that I’ve often felt let down at Christmas. Not because of the holiday itself, but, well, because it’s also my birthday. Celebrating my birthday always seems to be squeezed in between driving to the relatives and opening presents. Probably one of the most painful happy-birthday-christmas-bulbmemories I have is overhearing my grandma say to my sister, “Oh, I forgot Kari’s birthday. Grab a present from under the tree and we’ll put ‘Happy Birthday’ on it.”

When I started working on S.A.N.E.™ (Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized) for family caregivers, I looked at aspects of my life outside of caregiving that would also benefit from my SANE Method™—Today I’m asking myself, “What can I appreciate about being born on Christmas Day?” Instead of expecting others to create a “happy day” for me, now I think of SANE™ and realize that feeling Appreciated is my responsibility.

How freeing it is to let go of expectations! Rather than planning my reaction to what doesn’t happen, I plan parts of the day and allow other parts to simply flow. Among other things, I appreciate that I’ve started a new tradition of birthday breakfast. French toast, bacon, coffee, and on the occasional year, a mimosa. It is that simple.

I came into this world at dinnertime on a cold Christmas Day and I took my time. Maybe that’s why it has taken me a while to learn how I can feel Appreciated on my own, from within. On this holiday season, I wish for you to find ways to Appreciate all that you do to create light in the dark winter. Know that feeling loved and Appreciated comes from within first, before it can be shared.

OMG it’s the holidays—Five tips to stay S.A.N.E.

Shamed to eat seconds and thirds of the turkey dinner, loud conversations about uncomfortable topics, menfolk sleeping in the assorted Lazy Boy chairs while womenfolk did the dishes. That about sums up my childhood Thanksgiving tradition. We didn’t dare do anything different lest we offend someone. But times have changed.

Family caregivers tell me they feel stressed to keep up with intense holiday traditions “for Mom and Dad’s sake.” But if one of your parents has any dementia or physical limitations, putting on “the big family affair” no longer makes sense. All the hustle and bustle becomes overwhelming, especially for someone with dementia. Remember the acronym KISS—Keep it Simple Silly—and replace stress with letting go of what you think needs to happen.keep-calm-christmas-ball

Last Christmas our family scrapped the usual tradition of making all the food and ordered it from the local grocery store. We supplemented with some favorites, but overall we let go of the need to be in the kitchen all day. As you enter the holiday season, consider these ideas for creating more S.A.N.E.* holidays:

  • Have smaller gatherings—one of them with hot turkey and the other with cold turkey sandwiches while watching a movie
  • Book a table in your parent’s assisted living or commons room, order food and listen to Benny Goodman tunes
  • Schedule time outdoors and play in the snow or at the beach
  • Gather old photos and help your parents create books to give to younger family members, OR
  • Consider time as your gift: put away cell phones and electronic devices and be present with your loved ones

*S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty, Energized™

Are you a care TAKER or care GIVER?

It’s a simple difference really—do you build your self-esteem around caring for another person? Do you get a small “high” from caring for another person? This is care TAKING. You may be late to work, snap at your family, or complain that you’re the only one who cares. Care Taking is all about your ego and it’s not healthy.

Care GIVING is about compassion, being centered in love and gratitude. This doesn’t mean that you set aside your own needs, however. Give care while staying S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized™. How do you support yourself? Do you appreciate what you do for someone else? Are you able to drop the guilt? And where do you go to refuel yourself when the duties of caregiving seem overwhelming?

I’m happy to announce that the new and revised edition of my book, The Unexpected Caregiver. I’ve added six new chapters to help you, the family caregiver, look after your own needs while giving care to a loved one. I’ve even added a chapter on the oftentimes tricky subject of your parents dating. You can order a copy for yourself, family and friends. I’m thrilled that I can offer this resource to you. Happy reading and please, be good to yourself.

This month is for you

November is the month that the U.S. officially recognizes family caregivers. Why is this important? Simple. Family caregiving is a job, a role you take on many times without any pre-planning. It’s not an easy journey and many times it requires you to turn your life upside down in order to meet the needs of your loved one. I think it’s valuable that there is month dedicated to YOU—the Family Caregiver.

I’d like to share parts from this year’s Presidential Proclamation:

“Our Nation was founded on the fundamental ideal that we all do better when we look out for one another, and every day, millions of Americans from every walk of life balance their own needs with those of their loved ones as caregivers.”

take-care-of-self-first-copyThe theme of this month is “Take Care to Give Care.” You can’t give when your tank is empty. Well, you can…but it will be harder on both you and your loved one. Spend just a moment to think about how you can refill your cup.

“This month, and every month, let us lift up all those who work to tirelessly advance the health and wellness of those they love. Let us encourage those who choose to be caregivers and look toward a future where our politics and our policies reflect the selflessness and open-hearted empathy they show their loved ones every day.”

“Choosing” to be a family caregiver rarely feels like a choice. I encourage you to turn that around: Make a conscious decision about who you will be as a family caregiver. Rather than feeling like you “have to,” and that you’re “the only one,” find ways to support yourself. You don’t have to do this job alone, but you do have to ask for help. It rarely comes unbidden.

This month or any other time, I’m here for you.

How to beat the “Not-Enoughs”

“When will I see you again?” my Grandma Gladys would often ask as I was getting ready to leave. Instead of giving her a time and date I would answer with, “Well you know I’m awfully busy at college.” Part of that answer came out of frustration that my current visit didn’t seem to count. The other part was sheer ego. I wanted her to know that I was important and had a life. I rarely felt good after a visit that ended like that.

Was I doing enough? Could I have visited her more? I loved my grandma dearly, but had a lot of guilt about not doing “enough” for her. It’s hard to say what is enough and feelings of guilt only fuel your uncertainty.

guilt-1A simple way to beat the “Not Enoughs” is:

  1. Put yourself in a rational state of mind. (You may have to do math problems to move your brain from an emotional to a logical place. Try it. It works!)
  2. In that logical state, write down all that you do for your loved one. (Make no judgments as you write.)
  3. Stay in that unemotional place and look at your list.
  4. Ask yourself, “Could I do more? What would I do? How would it affect my life?”
  5. If it makes sense to do more, add in the time. If it doesn’t, look at your list again, but this time with a sense of gratitude for the time and energy you give.

Guilt will be a constant companion on our journeys as a caregiver, but you’re in control. Erase the guilt and embrace what you’re doing as enough.

OMG I’m a Caregiver: Three Tips to Feel Appreciated

I never thought I’d be called at 2 a.m. to help my grandpa use the commode. Who wants to see their grandfather in such a vulnerable position? But I did it, and fortunately my grandfather was good at expressing his gratitude.

This isn’t the case with all caregiving. You didn’t ask for this new role and as one caregiver shared with me, “I do everything for my mom and my siblings can’t seem to find the time to help.” Wherever you are in your caregiving journey, old sibling rivalries often return, especially when taking care of Mom or Dad.

The second letter of my S.A.N.E. acronym, Appreciated, involves understanding that your family is not going to change now that care of a parent is needed. Be realistic and look at how your family functions (or doesn’t function). Don’t expect them to change their deeply conditioned behaviors; rather, manage your own expectations. Use these three tips to feel more appreciated:

  1. Let go of feeling you need to do it all. Allow others to help.
  2. Let go of the “shoulds.” Appreciate your own health and take time for you.
  3. Give up the idea of being thanked by others. Thank yourself.

 

 

I See that you’re suffering; let me provide relief

“When all is said and done, killing my mother came easily. Dementia, as it descends, has a way of revealing the core of the person affected by it. My mother’s core was rotten like the brackish water at the bottom of the weeks-old vase of flowers. She had been beautiful when my father met her and still capable of love when I became their late-in-life child, but by the time she gazed up at me that day, none of this mattered.”

The first paragraph in Alice Sebold’s novel, The Almost Moon, hit me in the gut. A frustrated daughter relieves her mother’s suffering while also setting herself free from the pressures of caring for someone who no longer recognized her as her daughter.

But this is a novel. This is not real life. As soon as I finished the book, I sighed and silently asked the unthinkable, “When will we see a headline about a daughter ‘relieving’ her mother of suffering?”

And then this article appeared. Is that what this is about? When we see a mother-daughter murder-suicide in the news, alarm bells ring. I discussed this with Dak and these are our thoughts in his words:

 

It’s just one case, right? It’s not like this is happening all over the place. This is not an epidemic. It’s just a weird thing is what it is. It’s an isolated incident, that’s all.

And yet, there is a whole lot of mystery to this that opens out into many possible worlds. This story offers very little detail. The authors won’t speculate. This one will.

I can imagine reasons for this happening from many angles.

The mother had a dread disease and no one would listen to her except the daughter who decided to act to alleviate her mother’s pain and then couldn’t live with herself.

The tyrannical mother finally became weak enough for the abused daughter to overpower and kill. Then killed herself.

Sorrow at loss of being useful.
Sorrow for being a burden.
Without hope.
Interior demons hide in the dark and they look like competence to everyone else.
Despair. So many reasons for despair.
Why did she choose a gun?
A belief that there is a better afterlife.
The weight of living is too heavy.
Too much of a burden on the ones you love.
Too much of a burden on the country you love.
Loss of community to death, to convenience, to entertainment and long distance.

What are the solutions here? How do we feel when we read a story like this? I feel my mind reach out to try to comprehend what happened, but why? Do I think I might become a woman whose mother is still alive and have to face this situation myself? No. But I can imagine how it could have felt and I think it would have felt pretty bad. No matter what the story behind the people is, at least one of them was suffering and had no relief in life. We can moralize about her choice, but that doesn’t seem like a solution to me. I feel that it’s wrong to kill, but happy people have no reason to kill. A satisfied society is a safe society.

So these two…hey one of them lived to be 93. That’s some persisting. I don’t think people live to be 93 without figuring a few things out and my feeling is that she had a good way of coping with stress, one that worked. Her daughter made it to 60 and that’s saying a lot as well. (I know we’re not supposed to be impressed with how long we live now compared to the entirety of our previous existence, but I’ve been watching “Cosmos.”)

She was suffering and we were in no position to offer relief. I think the fear is that one day we will be suffering in such a way that we need help for relief and it doesn’t come, or it’s slow to come. What kind of help?

We seem divided from our heritage. We have social media instead of being social, and I think many of us are fooled into thinking that the two are equivalent. There will always be suffering, but what if we were so kind to each other and considered ourselves together as a body rather than individual and separated pieces that we all shared the suffering so it ceased being so awful to any one of us?

I think it’s easy to forget that there are solutions to our problems and they are going to be found whenever two or more of us gather together. Remember who told us to do that? Again here it is easy to get hooked into the story, but the story is alive in us. We are telling the story of ourselves right now. I know I’m not alone in preferring kindness to suffering.

Dak Gustal is a freelance writer and poet living in Randoph, VT. You may contact him at st.augustus@gmail.com

Not gonna be a Christmas Angel this year

Happy b-day Kari and Jesus003 - Version 2

1982 and my cake read “Happy Birthday Kari and Jesus”

It’s the holiday time. Oh goodie. Time to gather the family. Whether you like each other or not is irrelevant. We get together because we’re supposed to. Ads on TV and pictures in magazines of smiling, beautiful families (cast in the most traditional roles) surround us, and even though I yearn to be a part of those pictures, that is not my reality.

I worried at family gatherings that my mom would drink too much. I fretted that my sister would say something that would cause mom to cry. I brooded over the fact that, even though it was my birthday on December 25th, this day was not about me. Instead of birthday presents, I received Merry Birthday combination gifts. And they were never more special than what everyone else received.

Those feelings and memories seem so trivial when I consider what I have been given. But to a young girl, those memories created the limiting beliefs I now embody: “Everything will be alright if I don’t make a fuss or say what I want. My job is to monitor how others are feeling, to consider what, if anything, I need to do for them, and put my needs aside. (How selfish to consider my needs when there are so many other needs out there.) And my endless confusion over wanting special gifts but feeling that wish is selfish at the same time.” I’ve always figured I’ll deal with what I want later.

Later rarely comes when you’re taking care of other people’s feelings before yours. I scan a room and take the temperature of how others are doing. I then decide how I need to feel based on the feelings of others. Just writing this makes me realize how crazy this is!

So I’m stuck in stage one of “Emotional Slavery”: believing I’m responsible for the feelings of others. As I dig deeper into the work of Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication, I begin to put more intelligent words to the feelings I’ve carried for years. If others aren’t happy or don’t appear happy, I am compelled to do something. To fix the situation at the cost of ignoring my needs.

This is what I learned being a child of an alcoholic mother. I learned to enter a room cautiously, to look for potential danger (generally disguised as a thermal glass that smelled of pine needles), and to either tiptoe past the room or engage in cheerful conversation about mindless things or cut myself down in an attempt to raise her self-esteem. As if I could.

I continue doing this today. Only now I do so with my partner. I measure his mood before I either share news of my day or stumble through an uncomfortable conversation because I’m not stating what I need; rather I’m attempting to “make him feel good.” Whatever that means.

This is a crazy making! And after doing this for nearly 50 years, this way of life feels so normal that even thinking of making a change scares the hell out of me. If I speak my truth, I will hurt others and will cause pain and will be a bad girl. So I skirt around my truth. I say, “I don’t know,” when I really do know what I want. If I am honest, people will think poorly of me, “How could she be so selfish?” I clumsily try to take care of myself, but more often than not I slip backwards into this dysfunctional normalcy that makes sense and feels familiar.

And why does this all have to come to a head at the holidays? Is it the darkness that draws me naturally to examine my interior? Is it the body memories of a sour stomach every December 25th as my mom, sister, and grandma reprimanded me for feeling sorry for myself? No doubt it’s that and knowing that once again, I enter the holidays with too little money, too little work, and an unsettled feeling about my role in the world. And I feel ashamed of feeling these thoughts. It’s the holidays, for criminy sakes; cheer up!

We have a placard on our fridge that reads, “Notice! The beatings will continue until attitudes improve.” Seems to fit with the ridiculous pressure many of us embrace in the journey to becoming “a better person.” I see the issues that need attending in my life. I uncover ugliness about myself. I read about healthy communication tools, which I clearly lack in my attempts to express myself. Instead, I understand expressing my needs as selfish. And once again I want to run away from the burden of being a conflicted “Christmas Angel” (as my mother named me) and go off to some deserted island and forage for my holiday dinner. At least that way, I wouldn’t put anyone in the awkward position of having to do something for my birthday.

Having struggled with these feelings for much of my life, I often feel that people are just plain sick of Kari’s issues. “Get over yourself!” I hear people say, even though their mouths aren’t moving. And if I could find that magic eraser to remove the etchings in my bones, I would have already cleared out the messages and moved on. But that is not where I am. I am, once again, facing a past that is messing with my present and clouding any future dreams.

I even played Jesus in clown worship.

I even played Jesus in clown worship.

It’s the holiday time. Whoopi. Even my attempts to decorate the house fall short of my expectations. I’m trying to embody advice from others (and advice I’ve been known to dole out): Be gentle. Be kind. Be real. Whether or not you choose to spend holidays with your family or feel you have no choice, be present to what is. I can recognize reality and not have to like it. Reality is what it is. And for this Christmas Angel, reality is that I am unsettled, restless, and searching. I don’t like it, but it’s where I find myself.

How about we not fight with ourselves this holiday season? Huh? I’m going to try to be present in the moments, accept and love myself as I am, and create pockets of time to meditate, do yoga, and hike outside in the cold. The best gift I can give my family, friends, and the world is to be healthy. Instead of being an angel this year, I will strive to be as real as I can, with as much kindness as I can muster.

Poetry in Caregiving

Over the years Dak (a.k.a. my brother Steve) has given me a most treasured gift: his love through words and friendship. I am grateful that we are a sister and brother duo that has grown up sharing similar interests and friends. We played well together as young kids (even though I broke many of his “toy” sticks just to make him mad), acted in high school plays and marched in band at the same time. While living in Denver, CO, he sang in a church choir that I directed (often times teasing me before we sang by mouthing to me, “What are we singing?”) Today we are uncovering ways we can combine our talents to further the understanding of family caregiving and aging. I am blessed to have such a wise and loving brother on my team. It is my honor to share his thoughts about the month that is now closing and the journey of family caregiving. Read more »

Getting Unstuck

“Open your new brain” I suggest to audiences and individuals. This means setting aside the rote response “I can’t do this; this won’t work in my situation.” By opening your ‘new brain’ you listen to ideas with the attitude, “I wonder how I can apply this new information?”

We all get stuck now and then. For some of us, it feels like we’ve been stuck in those glue traps set out to catch unwanted mice. And we continue doing the same thing over and over, hoping that today, the result will magically evolve. When it doesn’t it can easily throw us into a maelstrom of emotions.

Here are my suggestions to loosen the grip of the proverbially glue trap and open your new brain:

  • Get creative. I know, hard to manage when feeling stuck. So get up and dance! Call a friend or sit and color. Just do something. Don’t think about it. I have adult coloring books, if you’d like to order, and I also provide excellent suggestions for creatively interacting with your loved ones when giving care in my book.
  • Stop the mind chatter. Focus on someone else. Turn your attention to listening to another person and set your self talk on a shelf. This small act brings a double blessing—that person is truly listened to and you let go of your mind chatter for a bit.
  • Walk outside. In all weather. Look up at the trees. Breathe deeply. Listen for nature’s conversation and let it take over your mind chatter if just for a little time.
  • Use humor. Watch a stand up routine or just listen to people laugh. If nothing else, humor will shift your physiological makeup and automatically make you feel just a little better. What will it hurt?

If there’s any way I can help you get unstuck—either with caregiving issues or aging issues or heck, just living issues, let me know. I’m here to help.

“I See Dead People”

It’s totally normal for someone who is dying to see “others” (many times relatives). They may even talk to them. You may think they’re going crazy, but it’s very common. Sometimes a dying person will say something such as, “Aunt Mildred was here and asked me to go with her….” These experiences happen, as Christine Cowgill told family caregivers on The Unexpected Caregiver Radio Show.

I realize that you may not want to discuss death, but when a loved one is dying, it can be the central theme of one’s days. Read more »

Monsters are only scary when we don’t face them

As a little girl, I was afraid of monsters in the closet. When my parents came to tuck me in, I made sure Dad shut the closet doors tight. Once the lights went out I never looked in the closet. The fear of growing old is just as scary to many. We buy products to help us cover it up, reverse it, or change its color. And even though demographics paint a clear picture that we are moving from a predominantly youth nation to a “mature” one, we still try to outrun the unknown that comes with aging. It’s almost as if we want to stuff anything having to do with growing older in the closet and shut the door tight.

2013 Marge and Kari

Marge recently presented me with one of her beautiful gourd creations

Marge Engelman, a professor and now a dear friend, was the first person that asked me to look at myself as an older woman. For a class exercise, she had us draw ourselves as an 85-year-old person—how we envisioned looking, what we were doing and with whom. This was my first course in aging studies during my Master’s work in 1994. What an eye-opener! I now teach that exercise in my presentations and like me, people experience many “ah-ha” moments. Once the door is open and the conversation rolling about what aging is all about, fear drops off. Looking at this mysterious, oftentimes-scary part of our lives called “aging,” is much like the monsters I imagined in my closet as a little girl. When I bravely looked in my childhood closet, the only thing frightening about the inside of my closet was if my parents decided to open it and discover my secret cleaning methods. I was afraid of what could be in there.

I am blessed that I have spent a great deal of time working with and around older adults. I have many elderly friends. I love them and embrace their aging…so why not my own aging? When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the aging changes. I also see the future possibilities and the many crazy times that have formed my face. I encourage you to look into the face of aging—have conversations with friends, talk with an older person, look in the mirror and observe the changes without judging. I hope that one day we all embrace aging instead of ignoring, fearing, and trying to make it—aging—go away.

Thank You, My Not Always Perfect Mom

KG & DianneMy mom died January of 2002. Even though I was a choir director at the time and living in Denver, CO, I got the gut call to fly home for Christmas. I felt an intuition that I should sing The Birthday of a King for my mom, a song that, over the years, she had often requested and that last year I honored. We had tickets to return to Denver on December 26th, but learned—at the airport—our flight had been permanently cancelled. Eric flew out the next day, but I remained because Mom had just been admitted to the hospital and Dad wanted me to stay. I stayed that time and one other, when we received the doctor’s diagnosis of liver cancer. That third time I tried to return to Colorado, Mom died. Read more »

Kari Berit Presents … A New Website

I am happy to announce the launch of the new kariberit.com, featuring a fresh and energizing new look and revised navigation to make it easier to get around the site and stay in touch. Read more »

Cedar Sinai Park Presents Kari Berit, The Unexpected Caregiver – Open Event 05/08/2012

You are invited this evening!(Tuesday, May 8th, 7 p.m.)

Kari will be presenting “The Unexpected Caregiver”

Everyone is invited

Mittleman JCC at 6651 SW Capital Hwy, Portland, OR Read more »

Talking about aging will help family and informal caregivers

In this video, Kari discusses aging and caregiving on Valley News Live.  Read more »

Kari Berit raises awareness on Showcase Minnesota 11/23/10

Kari dropped by the Showcase Minnesota studio to talk about her latest book, The Unexpected Caregiver, a practical resource for anyone providing care to an aging parent. Read more »

Kari Berit on KARE 11’s Showcase Minnesota – Tune in Tuesday November 23, 2010 at 10 AM

November is National Family Caregiving Month and Kari Berit is spreading the word that America needs to discuss caregiving. More than 65 million people are caregivers in America. Read more »

Star Tribune article features Kari Berit – Learning how to care as parents age

Learning how to care as parents age

Caring for aging parents often means establishing a new relationship, one adult to another.
By KIM ODE, Star Tribune

Logically, it’s not as if baby boomers couldn’t have seen this coming. Except that they’re — heh — baby boomers, and the conventional wisdom is that caring for aging parents requires them to 1) admit their mortality, and 2) come to grips with the fact that they can’t talk to their parents without someone ending up shouting. Read more »