Category Archives: Aging

Family drama played out as adults

Siblings Spring 2017My siblings and I are together for a week. It’s a great big mix of fun and confusion. It’s as if we’re back at the dining room table in our childhood home, resuming the roles we played as children. Unresolved family issues simmer just below the laughter, ready to take center stage when the joking subsides.

I have always felt like the black sheep with my siblings but during this trip, I’ve learned that we each, in our own way, feel like “the odd one out.”

It’s not easy to come together as adults and deal with emotions that accompany diseases, aging or family caregiving. For many of us, navigating the rough waters of our childhood was challenging enough. I’ve worked through a lot of my childhood trauma, but still find it difficult to hold on to this new-found strength when in the company of my family of origin.

Our families are the first hierarchical institution we experience, the place where we feel most connected, but sometimes also where we feel most limited. Think about dinner times—where you sat and how you interacted with your family. That scene is recreated when we come together as adults to deal with heavy-duty life issues, oftentimes without the benefit of training. We simply use the limited skills we gained as children and clumsily apply them to adult situations.

I have leaned on the SANE Method™ once again, feeling supported by asking a friend to lunch, feeling appreciated by making time for walks in the woods, letting go of guilt by reminding myself that I’m doing enough, and feeling energized through getting enough rest. We can’t always have easy times with our families of origin, but we can have sanity, and that is in your hands.

It’s time to have The Conversation with Mom and Dad

It was probably one of the most important and treasured conversations I’ve had with my in-laws. Granted, my husband’s parents are pretty special people. They read three newspapers a day, several books each month and discuss world events. They tackle health issues head on and look for solutions and support, rather than dwell on any setbacks.

On our last visit, they sat down with my husband, John, and me, and read aloud each of the points in their Advanced Healthcare Directive. Both John and I have worked in senior housing and have professional experience helping families come to grips with end of life care. I’ve filled out my own health care directive, talked about end of life on my radio show and during presentations, and have been a part of my own dad’s planning process. But we’re older now and our parents are older. It is highly likely that any of our four parents will eventually utilize a health care directive.

two people talkingI can’t lie: It’s not necessarily an easy process, but it is profoundly rewarding. If we hadn’t read through my in-laws wishes, we would have missed several crucial details. Among these is that they do not want Hospice to come into their home. They would prefer to move into a Hospice facility. John and I thought for sure they would want to die in their home, but they have their reasons for not wanting this and now their wishes are quite clear. We know very specifically what care they want in the later stages of their lives.

Yes, we’re talking about end of life when filling out an advanced healthcare directive. But we’re also looking at how we want to be cared for while we’re still living. If you haven’t yet broached the topic with your parents, give it a try. Use my example. If they don’t want to discuss end of life issues, let it go, but try again another day. And while you’re waiting, fill out your own directive. You may just gain rich insights into how you really want to live.

Shut off you panic response and color

In the mid 1990s when assisted living communities were first popping up and I was an activity director, I was told that coloring was not an activity for older adults. It was childish. Period. Well no more! 2015 was the year of the adult coloring book. You can’t walk into a bookstore or art store without running into a display of adult coloring books and accompanying supplies.

It may seem a bit awkward to color as an adult, but the simple benefits of focusing on one thing will help you tame that part of your brain that thrives on stress: the amygdala. When you worry about your mom’s last doctor visit or your dad’s ability to bathe himself, your amygdala revs up and encourages you to worry more. With an amygdala out of control, it is nearly impossible to make decisions that will benefit anyone.

You never know when you will need to turn off your panic response, so why not
carry around something to color. While waiting to board a flight, a fellow passenger told me about her tricks for surviving a transcontinental flight. She not only had a coloring book of the AmsteMandala-150x150rdam canals, but a full set of travel color pencils and a sharpener. She was prepared for travel stress—missed flights, long lines, bad food—because just like caregiving, there will be stress in travel.

A clinical psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic suggests that when we are focused on coloring, the distractions of our own lives evaporate into the background and allow us to be totally in the present. When we reduce mind clutter and distractions, we address caregiving challenges in a spirit of “let’s find a solution” vs. “nothing will help.”

I know how uncomfortable coloring may seem to many of you. It felt strange to me at first, too, but when I finally tried it some years ago, I found it to be both mesmerizing and rewarding. It’s a solo activity to help you find peace of mind and it can also be something you do with your loved ones. Sometimes simple conversation is stressfull. In those times, coloring separately can ease the stress, but still allow you to share time together doing the same activity.

Make it simple on yourself and start by downloading coloring samples. Open your mind and allow yourself to just color. See if by tuning into coloring, you are able to shut off your panic response. And remember, it’s not necessary to stay within the lines.

A Valentine’s Day Reminder for all ages

I will never forget where I was and how I felt when my dad informed me that he had asked a woman out on a date. A date? My dad…but wait, he’s married to my mom. My mom had died in January of 2002 and it was the fall of 2003 when we were having this conversation. I knew it wasn’t too soon, but none-the-less it felt, well, weird. My dad was informing me that he had asked a woman out because we lived in a small town and he was sure I’d hear about it from one of the many local town criers if he didn’t tell me himself.

He also wanted me to meet her, which I did. Is this what it feels like when ones parents meet their child’s first date? I wasn’t sure what my role was, so I asked my dad just what he wanted from me. My approval? My advice? Then, after I breathed in and out several times, I realized that my dad simply wanted me to share this part of his life with him. Nothing more was required of me.

snow heart in mittensForget attaching the adjectives “cute and little” in front of “older couple.” The Silent Generation (those born between 1928 and 1945) is redefining intimate relationships. My dad’s generation is formally known as the people who “had to get married in order to have sex.” They are now forming new relationships, ranging from walking down the traditional marriage path to living in separate houses in different states. It doesn’t matter if they share a bed or not. What matters most is intimacy—closeness, companionship and love. Valentine’s Day serves as reminder that we all—no matter our age—need relationships that sustain us. Happy Heart Day all!

Beating depression by being both busy and engaged

When I have too much down time between projects, I can easily spend more time sleeping or surfing Netflix than is good for me. I get stuck. My depression blooms when I am not engaged in IMG_2826 - Version 2meaningful activities. I lean on my SANE Method*, knowing that the first word, Supported, is crucial to moving through a tough period. I have a circle of safe and positive friends on whom I can call.

I also understand the importance of being busy. I don’t usually subscribe to “busyness for busyness sake,” but at times there is value in simply getting out and doing something—anything. This won’t sustain me in the long run, but it works to move me through to meaningful activities.

Family caregivers can easily fall into variations of a similar trap: thinking that the appearance of their parents being busy trumps the actuality of being involved in an activity that’s engaging and meaningful to them, or thinking that — like some impromptu cruise directors on the Good Ship Getting Older — it’s somehow now up to the children to constantly be planning activities for mom and dad.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of value, mental and physical, in spending time with your parents to help them stay active and busy. But I believe it’s the “slow times” and the hours when your folks are on their own, pursuing their own interests in their own ways, that provide the greatest payoffs for their emotional and bodily health.

Just as is true with yourself, the goal is to help your parents get into things they will find enjoyable over the longer term — including activities they might do solo and under their own direction — because those are the ones they’ll do regularly and sustain by themselves.

If you notice your parents isolating themselves more and more, try opening a conversation about what brings meaning to their lives. And ask them how you can support them. Your support — whether is be simply listening to them or assisting them with ideas — can be one of the single most important things you do for your parents.

*Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized.

 

 

 

 

Four tips to laughing with your folks

I love being with my dad when he watches any of Peter Sellers’ Pink Panther movies. He literally cries uncontrollably and I end up cracking up just watching him. Laughter often comes spontaneously, but there are some days when I have to purposefully seek out fun. Busy caregivers can easily get buried in all the tasks of giving care. “I don’t have time to goof off,” I had one family caregiver tell me. I hear you and I understand that there are many moments in life that feel nearly joyless.

So how do we bring back the fun? How do you play, goof off, act silly during a day? I am fortunate that the man I married is never without a joke—however screwy. And even though most of his puns and word plays are “groaners,” I laugh (as do his daughters; one Mallory and Johnof them seen in the picture,  being silly with dad). It’s good for our emotional health to laugh and it certainly lifts our moods, but that’s not the only benefit.

If we constantly work, work, work, without relief, then our brains — and our bodies — begin failing us. Want an upside? Playing actually helps us get things done. Think about times you’ve struggled to complete a task, becoming more and more frustrated with yourself. Then someone does something funny, you laugh — and suddenly the task is not so difficult. When we shift our thoughts and do something out of the ordinary, our brains are refreshed and begin humming along again. Our bodies benefit, too. It’s been said that when we laugh, we release endorphins — the brain’s feel-good chemicals. Some researchers also contend that as well as lowering blood pressure, laughter increases oxygen in the blood, which encourages healing. Whether or not that’s true, I’ve found that a good laugh is worth its weight in gold.

When it comes to spending time with your parents (something your parents crave and you may dread), nothing says you can’t spend your time together playing. If you’re constantly checking your phone when you’re with your parents, or fidgeting trying to find something else to chatter about while wondering how soon you can beat a hasty retreat, odds are you really need to play.

Try these four tips:

  1. Watch a funny movie together (Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels is one of my favorites)
  2. Put on music from their era and dance (Nothing beats 50s dance music with my dad!)
  3. Reading aloud from a favorite joke book (I’m a sucker for Garrison Keillor’s Pretty Good Joke Book)
  4. Retell funny family stories (Like the time my then little brother Dave had to “relieve himself” on a car trip. Dad pulled the car off the highway, only to have Dave face the car, spraying the front fenders, causing my dad drive in reverse down the highway shoulder!)

Caregiving means taking care of some tough issues. Don’t let it consume you. Give yourself permission to laugh and include some fun time! You can find many more tips in my updated edition of The Unexpected Caregiver. And please, share your tips with me.

Three Easy Exercise Tips for Busy Caregivers

Ever since I was on swim team in junior high, I’ve understood the value of exercise. (That doesn’t mean I’ve always done it… just, I’ve understood the value of it.)

Since I’m not always consistent, I get it that many family caregivers drop their exercise time in order to fit in another care task. How can you change that and put exercise at the top of your list?

I can be very hard on myself for not doing “enough,” but let’s turn that around! Whatever movement you can get into your day is good. Did you ever see the Blue-Cross, Blue-Shield commercial, “Do Dance” that introduced the “Do Groove Guy“? This commercial aired in 2004 in Minnesota to encourage people to get healthy by moving and doing or grooving. It’s a fantastic message: exercise can be as playful and individual as you make it.

Version 2These days I mix up my daily power walks and yoga with exercises I learned from a trainer I hired a few years back. I also dance–whenever and to a variety of music. The less time I spend worrying about when I will exercise and just move, the better. All that good oxygen that gets into your brain from movement will help you be move creative in your caregiving. Keep in mind these three tips:

  1. Take the stairs instead of the elevator
  2. Get outside. Fresh air and a brisk walk does wonders
  3. Arm circles—10 forwards and 10 backwards will get your blood flowing

If you can focus on sneaking more movement in during your day instead of pressuring yourself to get “enough” exercise, I know you will be a happier caregiver.

OMG it’s the holidays—Five tips to stay S.A.N.E.

Shamed to eat seconds and thirds of the turkey dinner, loud conversations about uncomfortable topics, menfolk sleeping in the assorted Lazy Boy chairs while womenfolk did the dishes. That about sums up my childhood Thanksgiving tradition. We didn’t dare do anything different lest we offend someone. But times have changed.

Family caregivers tell me they feel stressed to keep up with intense holiday traditions “for Mom and Dad’s sake.” But if one of your parents has any dementia or physical limitations, putting on “the big family affair” no longer makes sense. All the hustle and bustle becomes overwhelming, especially for someone with dementia. Remember the acronym KISS—Keep it Simple Silly—and replace stress with letting go of what you think needs to happen.keep-calm-christmas-ball

Last Christmas our family scrapped the usual tradition of making all the food and ordered it from the local grocery store. We supplemented with some favorites, but overall we let go of the need to be in the kitchen all day. As you enter the holiday season, consider these ideas for creating more S.A.N.E.* holidays:

  • Have smaller gatherings—one of them with hot turkey and the other with cold turkey sandwiches while watching a movie
  • Book a table in your parent’s assisted living or commons room, order food and listen to Benny Goodman tunes
  • Schedule time outdoors and play in the snow or at the beach
  • Gather old photos and help your parents create books to give to younger family members, OR
  • Consider time as your gift: put away cell phones and electronic devices and be present with your loved ones

*S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty, Energized™

Are you a care TAKER or care GIVER?

It’s a simple difference really—do you build your self-esteem around caring for another person? Do you get a small “high” from caring for another person? This is care TAKING. You may be late to work, snap at your family, or complain that you’re the only one who cares. Care Taking is all about your ego and it’s not healthy.

Care GIVING is about compassion, being centered in love and gratitude. This doesn’t mean that you set aside your own needs, however. Give care while staying S.A.N.E.—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized™. How do you support yourself? Do you appreciate what you do for someone else? Are you able to drop the guilt? And where do you go to refuel yourself when the duties of caregiving seem overwhelming?

I’m happy to announce that the new and revised edition of my book, The Unexpected Caregiver. I’ve added six new chapters to help you, the family caregiver, look after your own needs while giving care to a loved one. I’ve even added a chapter on the oftentimes tricky subject of your parents dating. You can order a copy for yourself, family and friends. I’m thrilled that I can offer this resource to you. Happy reading and please, be good to yourself.

This month is for you

November is the month that the U.S. officially recognizes family caregivers. Why is this important? Simple. Family caregiving is a job, a role you take on many times without any pre-planning. It’s not an easy journey and many times it requires you to turn your life upside down in order to meet the needs of your loved one. I think it’s valuable that there is month dedicated to YOU—the Family Caregiver.

I’d like to share parts from this year’s Presidential Proclamation:

“Our Nation was founded on the fundamental ideal that we all do better when we look out for one another, and every day, millions of Americans from every walk of life balance their own needs with those of their loved ones as caregivers.”

take-care-of-self-first-copyThe theme of this month is “Take Care to Give Care.” You can’t give when your tank is empty. Well, you can…but it will be harder on both you and your loved one. Spend just a moment to think about how you can refill your cup.

“This month, and every month, let us lift up all those who work to tirelessly advance the health and wellness of those they love. Let us encourage those who choose to be caregivers and look toward a future where our politics and our policies reflect the selflessness and open-hearted empathy they show their loved ones every day.”

“Choosing” to be a family caregiver rarely feels like a choice. I encourage you to turn that around: Make a conscious decision about who you will be as a family caregiver. Rather than feeling like you “have to,” and that you’re “the only one,” find ways to support yourself. You don’t have to do this job alone, but you do have to ask for help. It rarely comes unbidden.

This month or any other time, I’m here for you.

3 quick tips to re-energize yourself

Last night I heard my friend coughing all night. I’m concerned that she’s not taking care of herself as she splits her time between caring for her dad and her children. With each visit, I see more of her time being eaten up by the needs of others. Acquaintances say, “Oh you’re so good to your mother.” Yes, she is—but I also want her to be good to herself.

Caregivers feel drained. It’s a tiring and energy-robbing role. In the midst of feeling exhausted you must sneak in ways to regain necessary energy. Try these three suggestions:

dscn8428

  1. Go for a quick walk around the block or into the woods. Breathe in the fresh air and imagine the oxygen filling up your brain.
  2. Crank up the music and dance. Both the physical movement and the energy of the music will give you energy. (My dad and I often break into random dance. As you can see in the picture, we enjoy!)
  3. Talk with someone about a fascinating book you’re reading. Get into it and share feelings and ideas and research even more about the topic.

You need energy to give care. You also need energy to enjoy the parts of your life that are not about being a caregiver.

How to beat the “Not-Enoughs”

“When will I see you again?” my Grandma Gladys would often ask as I was getting ready to leave. Instead of giving her a time and date I would answer with, “Well you know I’m awfully busy at college.” Part of that answer came out of frustration that my current visit didn’t seem to count. The other part was sheer ego. I wanted her to know that I was important and had a life. I rarely felt good after a visit that ended like that.

Was I doing enough? Could I have visited her more? I loved my grandma dearly, but had a lot of guilt about not doing “enough” for her. It’s hard to say what is enough and feelings of guilt only fuel your uncertainty.

guilt-1A simple way to beat the “Not Enoughs” is:

  1. Put yourself in a rational state of mind. (You may have to do math problems to move your brain from an emotional to a logical place. Try it. It works!)
  2. In that logical state, write down all that you do for your loved one. (Make no judgments as you write.)
  3. Stay in that unemotional place and look at your list.
  4. Ask yourself, “Could I do more? What would I do? How would it affect my life?”
  5. If it makes sense to do more, add in the time. If it doesn’t, look at your list again, but this time with a sense of gratitude for the time and energy you give.

Guilt will be a constant companion on our journeys as a caregiver, but you’re in control. Erase the guilt and embrace what you’re doing as enough.

OMG I’m a Caregiver: Three Tips to Feel Appreciated

I never thought I’d be called at 2 a.m. to help my grandpa use the commode. Who wants to see their grandfather in such a vulnerable position? But I did it, and fortunately my grandfather was good at expressing his gratitude.

This isn’t the case with all caregiving. You didn’t ask for this new role and as one caregiver shared with me, “I do everything for my mom and my siblings can’t seem to find the time to help.” Wherever you are in your caregiving journey, old sibling rivalries often return, especially when taking care of Mom or Dad.

The second letter of my S.A.N.E. acronym, Appreciated, involves understanding that your family is not going to change now that care of a parent is needed. Be realistic and look at how your family functions (or doesn’t function). Don’t expect them to change their deeply conditioned behaviors; rather, manage your own expectations. Use these three tips to feel more appreciated:

  1. Let go of feeling you need to do it all. Allow others to help.
  2. Let go of the “shoulds.” Appreciate your own health and take time for you.
  3. Give up the idea of being thanked by others. Thank yourself.

 

 

No, You can’t do it by yourself: 5 Tips for Caregiver Support

 

My mom burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant dinner and instead of asking, “What’s wrong,” I was embarrassed. I thought, “Why can’t she pull herself together?” My mom had a disease called Huntington’s disease, which renders its victims incapable of acting what many call “normal.”

If you take care of someone with a disease that causes dementia, you are not living a “normal” life and caregiving is therefore doubly challenging. You may think, “He’s doing this just to drive me crazy,” when in reality the repetitive questions or unpredictable behavior are not malicious. You’ve known this person for years and now you are their caregiver—helping with daily tasks, while getting to know someone who is actually a very different new person.

Think of it this way: Do you ever get really frustrated at a vending machine when it won’t take your dollar bill? You straighten out the bill, insert it again, and it just keeps spitting it back, even though the bill looks fine? Your loved one may also look fine on the outside, but their brain is not working the way it used to. You need to find a new way of being with him or her, while you simultaneously figure out how to take care of yourself.

I know you want to scream. Some days you even yell at your loved one, but that only adds to your stress. This is why you must find support—a person or a group which allows you space to say all the things you simply can not say directly to your loved one. Being supported along your caregiving journey is the first step in being a S.A.N.E. caregiver—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized. Start by finding support for yourself:

  1. Educate yourself about the disease so you know what to expect.
  2. Let off steam with a trusted friend.
  3. Set aside a half-hour a day to do something just for you.
  4. Join a support group (or start one).
  5. Find ways to laugh every day.

You know you would do anything to help out someone in your shoes. It’s time to take that same spirit of helpfulness and turn it inwards. Ask for help and let others support you.

Incredible Cost of Giving Care

There is a cost to caring for our parents and loved ones that goes beyond the financial. Our schedules are eaten up by hiring caregivers, going to doctor appointments, answering weepy phone calls, defending our need for time away. Instead of complaining outright, we complain in public restrooms to strangers or at lunch to our best friend, while woofing down a sandwich and surfing the net for assisted living options. We yell at our kids, forgo the workout at the gym, eat out of the vending machine, and ignore those activities that gave us so much joy. They’re our parents, after all! We must take care of them.

Why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves in the role of giving care to our parents or other family? Reach beyond the usual response of, “If I don’t do it, who will?”

In my recent radio show, author Katy Butler shares her caregiving story. Her touching and trying account of looking after both parents will cause you to think. As will Dak’s blog Dying Gone Haywire from 2013.

I understand the pull of wanting to do what we “should,” and needing to set boundaries. I’m here to help and want to hear from you.

I See that you’re suffering; let me provide relief

“When all is said and done, killing my mother came easily. Dementia, as it descends, has a way of revealing the core of the person affected by it. My mother’s core was rotten like the brackish water at the bottom of the weeks-old vase of flowers. She had been beautiful when my father met her and still capable of love when I became their late-in-life child, but by the time she gazed up at me that day, none of this mattered.”

The first paragraph in Alice Sebold’s novel, The Almost Moon, hit me in the gut. A frustrated daughter relieves her mother’s suffering while also setting herself free from the pressures of caring for someone who no longer recognized her as her daughter.

But this is a novel. This is not real life. As soon as I finished the book, I sighed and silently asked the unthinkable, “When will we see a headline about a daughter ‘relieving’ her mother of suffering?”

And then this article appeared. Is that what this is about? When we see a mother-daughter murder-suicide in the news, alarm bells ring. I discussed this with Dak and these are our thoughts in his words:

 

It’s just one case, right? It’s not like this is happening all over the place. This is not an epidemic. It’s just a weird thing is what it is. It’s an isolated incident, that’s all.

And yet, there is a whole lot of mystery to this that opens out into many possible worlds. This story offers very little detail. The authors won’t speculate. This one will.

I can imagine reasons for this happening from many angles.

The mother had a dread disease and no one would listen to her except the daughter who decided to act to alleviate her mother’s pain and then couldn’t live with herself.

The tyrannical mother finally became weak enough for the abused daughter to overpower and kill. Then killed herself.

Sorrow at loss of being useful.
Sorrow for being a burden.
Without hope.
Interior demons hide in the dark and they look like competence to everyone else.
Despair. So many reasons for despair.
Why did she choose a gun?
A belief that there is a better afterlife.
The weight of living is too heavy.
Too much of a burden on the ones you love.
Too much of a burden on the country you love.
Loss of community to death, to convenience, to entertainment and long distance.

What are the solutions here? How do we feel when we read a story like this? I feel my mind reach out to try to comprehend what happened, but why? Do I think I might become a woman whose mother is still alive and have to face this situation myself? No. But I can imagine how it could have felt and I think it would have felt pretty bad. No matter what the story behind the people is, at least one of them was suffering and had no relief in life. We can moralize about her choice, but that doesn’t seem like a solution to me. I feel that it’s wrong to kill, but happy people have no reason to kill. A satisfied society is a safe society.

So these two…hey one of them lived to be 93. That’s some persisting. I don’t think people live to be 93 without figuring a few things out and my feeling is that she had a good way of coping with stress, one that worked. Her daughter made it to 60 and that’s saying a lot as well. (I know we’re not supposed to be impressed with how long we live now compared to the entirety of our previous existence, but I’ve been watching “Cosmos.”)

She was suffering and we were in no position to offer relief. I think the fear is that one day we will be suffering in such a way that we need help for relief and it doesn’t come, or it’s slow to come. What kind of help?

We seem divided from our heritage. We have social media instead of being social, and I think many of us are fooled into thinking that the two are equivalent. There will always be suffering, but what if we were so kind to each other and considered ourselves together as a body rather than individual and separated pieces that we all shared the suffering so it ceased being so awful to any one of us?

I think it’s easy to forget that there are solutions to our problems and they are going to be found whenever two or more of us gather together. Remember who told us to do that? Again here it is easy to get hooked into the story, but the story is alive in us. We are telling the story of ourselves right now. I know I’m not alone in preferring kindness to suffering.

Dak Gustal is a freelance writer and poet living in Randoph, VT. You may contact him at st.augustus@gmail.com

Poetry in Caregiving

Over the years Dak (a.k.a. my brother Steve) has given me a most treasured gift: his love through words and friendship. I am grateful that we are a sister and brother duo that has grown up sharing similar interests and friends. We played well together as young kids (even though I broke many of his “toy” sticks just to make him mad), acted in high school plays and marched in band at the same time. While living in Denver, CO, he sang in a church choir that I directed (often times teasing me before we sang by mouthing to me, “What are we singing?”) Today we are uncovering ways we can combine our talents to further the understanding of family caregiving and aging. I am blessed to have such a wise and loving brother on my team. It is my honor to share his thoughts about the month that is now closing and the journey of family caregiving. Read more »

Money, Age, and Big Foot

Recently I posted a question on Facebook asking for top issues when it comes to caring for Mom and Dad. One response was: “I hate trying to make sense of their finances & realizing, by looking through checkbook registers for instance, that dementia was grabbing ahold of my mom much earlier than I realized.”

There are different types of loss. When dementia takes hold or death comes too quickly, financial issues tend to scream for your attention. Right in the middle of dealing with emotions, you need to tackle financial concerns.

I interviewed Aaron Britz of Legacy Wealth Management recently. He specializes in helping women gain financial control during a life transition, such as loss of a loved one. The interview is both upbeat and informational and could be just the ticket for moving you from fear of finances to getting a grip on this often times emotional issue.

And for a completely upbeat and upside-down look at financial issues, I call on Dak Gustal. Be wise…bite off these financial issues and if you want support, contact me. Now, here’s Dak: Read more »

What older adults know

This is where I started working with older adults. 24 years ago, I fell in love with teaching and directing adult learning programs. The experience shaped my career. My brother and I attended camp together as kids and now he’s back as an adult, sharing what I know to be a very special week:

Dak and KBBy Dak Gustal

What is knowing? What is not knowing?

I am at the Norwegian adult learning program at Concordia Language Village’s “Skogfjorden” in northern Minnesota and I am feeling good but also a little torn apart. Things move fast here, and there is a sense of motion that cannot be denied but also does not want to be fully explained, like a wave and a particle trying to compete for the same space in the mind. And this is only day two.

Here is a program predominantly led and attended by older adults and when you hear that, you might be tempted to think there should be a slow pace going on. You would be wrong.

These are not people waiting around for some kind of reward; they are teaching and reaching out to all that is around them, embracing their interests and uninhibited by learning.

DSC_0069

These are people that are willing and able to tell the truth of their lives and they share readily of themselves here without reserve.

They are not growing old despite their aging; they are also not burdened with the idea that they are more than what they are.

They are comfortable with their lives and because of this, they are able to offer themselves up with a kind of joy and openness that you don’t find in youth.

Contrast this with the serenity of the setting—the deep, northern woods, beautiful rustic cabins and pristine lakes in the cooling colors of autumn—and you feel life in a way that is its own reward. The mix of active and strident work learning a new language with the natural pace of deep nature is life itself lived fully.

***

At Buck Lake, Late September, 2013

Few look
But if you do
Come open
Fly apart
The leaves
Falling here
Are your heart
The wind
Breathes
For you
Forever here
You will not survive
This kind of beauty
Look anyway

Dak Gustal is a freelance writer and poet living in Randoph, VT. You may contact him at st.augustus@gmail.com

The Law Says Call Yer Ma

How other countries handle family caregiving is often in the news. Especially if it’s shocking…as in the case of China and India. Dak Gustal approaches the issues with his usual flair.

By Dak Gustal

Why would a country want to make a law that says children have to take care of their parents?

I was just reading this article about two giant countries in Asia doing just that. Apparently the children are so negligent, the parents are suing them for weekly phone calls. Can you imagine talking to someone who was only talking to you because the law required it? Read more »

Ew! Nanna and Pappa should not have sex

By Dak Gustal

Oh my! Did you know that sex is such a big deal?

I sure didn’t. I was surprised to find out that people think about and want to have sex even when they have wrinkles and gray hair.

Yeah, I took a look at this article about how people get fired when residents have sex in nursing homes, and also at this one about people that allow and expect it to happen. Read more »