Monthly Blog Archives: December 2016

Feeling Appreciated…even during the holidays

If you ask some of my friends and family, they may tell you that I don’t like Christmas. That’s not true. What is true is that I’ve often felt let down at Christmas. Not because of the holiday itself, but, well, because it’s also my birthday. Celebrating my birthday always seems to be squeezed in between driving to the relatives and opening presents. Probably one of the most painful happy-birthday-christmas-bulbmemories I have is overhearing my grandma say to my sister, “Oh, I forgot Kari’s birthday. Grab a present from under the tree and we’ll put ‘Happy Birthday’ on it.”

When I started working on S.A.N.E.™ (Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized) for family caregivers, I looked at aspects of my life outside of caregiving that would also benefit from my SANE Method™—Today I’m asking myself, “What can I appreciate about being born on Christmas Day?” Instead of expecting others to create a “happy day” for me, now I think of SANE™ and realize that feeling Appreciated is my responsibility.

How freeing it is to let go of expectations! Rather than planning my reaction to what doesn’t happen, I plan parts of the day and allow other parts to simply flow. Among other things, I appreciate that I’ve started a new tradition of birthday breakfast. French toast, bacon, coffee, and on the occasional year, a mimosa. It is that simple.

I came into this world at dinnertime on a cold Christmas Day and I took my time. Maybe that’s why it has taken me a while to learn how I can feel Appreciated on my own, from within. On this holiday season, I wish for you to find ways to Appreciate all that you do to create light in the dark winter. Know that feeling loved and Appreciated comes from within first, before it can be shared.

If You could stop the world, would you?

In the 1960s musical, “Stop the World—I Want to Get Off,” the lead character, Littlechap, breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience whenever he wants a do-over. How many times would you say, “Stop the world”?

stoptheworld1I acted in this play while at St. Olaf College and often recall the poignancy of that phrase: “Stop the World.” Maybe if we were not racing around, we wouldn’t need do-overs. Maybe if we measured twice, we wouldn’t make so many mistakes cutting. I’m guilty of this: The busier I am, the more successful I feel. But this is a ruse, plain and simple. I love how Brené Brown puts it: “What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being, rather than knowing, requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”

Being rather than doing also requires presence. Especially during the holidays, it’s too easy to do, do, do—go, go, go. It’s much more challenging to sit quietly and not do. It’s nearly impossible to understand that one’s self worth has little to do with how busy one is.

Possibly the best gift you can give your loved ones (and yourself) this holiday season is to stop: turn off your cell phone, shut down your computer and just hang out with your loved ones. It won’t be easy to do at first. If you’re like me, sitting still is not my norm. But the times I’ve let silence be my friend have rarely failed me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the big dinners and festivities of the holidays, but sometimes, every once in a while, let yourself off the hook and focus on the being rather than the doing.

No Guilt this Holiday season: Three ways to be kind to yourself

Having a guilt-free holiday season means being extra kind to yourself. Families can be even more demanding at this time of the year. I learned a hard lesson from visiting my sister. There were times when I only had an hour to stop off and see her, but I knew that she would not be happy with a “short” visit. I constantly felt guilty for not having more time and wound myself in knots trying to explain myself to her. She didn’t want excuses and the short visit usually ended in harsh words and bad feelings. And my guilt was not assuaged one bit.guilt-free

I am not in control of my sister’s response to my availability to visit. You are not in control over how your family reacts to your desires to spend the holidays alone or with other people. We only have control over how we respond to situations. Understanding this helps release guilt. Especially during the holidays, replace guilt with self kindness:

 

  1. Use a kindness mantra. This can be as simple as repeating the word ‘kindness’ in the morning or during a stressful commute. I often repeat my mantra word while walking. Instead of negative thoughts swimming around our heads, we need to create positive reminders that we are worthy of self care.
  2. Spread kindness. I find that when I do little, unexpected kind gestures for others, I feel loved. Just the other day I randomly offered to pay for a woman’s coffee. The look on her face was that of delightful surprise. She expressed her gratitude and I accepted it warmly.
  3. Maintain perspective with E+R=O — Events happen and how you Respond will determine the Outcome. Our egos think we have control over others’ feelings. We don’t. We can only be who we are, act with kindness, and let go of what other’s think. It’s much easier to do this when we remember how little control we have and that being kind towards others is a positive way of letting go of our pesky ego’s need for control.