Monthly Blog Archives: October 2016

3 quick tips to re-energize yourself

Last night I heard my friend coughing all night. I’m concerned that she’s not taking care of herself as she splits her time between caring for her dad and her children. With each visit, I see more of her time being eaten up by the needs of others. Acquaintances say, “Oh you’re so good to your mother.” Yes, she is—but I also want her to be good to herself.

Caregivers feel drained. It’s a tiring and energy-robbing role. In the midst of feeling exhausted you must sneak in ways to regain necessary energy. Try these three suggestions:

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  1. Go for a quick walk around the block or into the woods. Breathe in the fresh air and imagine the oxygen filling up your brain.
  2. Crank up the music and dance. Both the physical movement and the energy of the music will give you energy. (My dad and I often break into random dance. As you can see in the picture, we enjoy!)
  3. Talk with someone about a fascinating book you’re reading. Get into it and share feelings and ideas and research even more about the topic.

You need energy to give care. You also need energy to enjoy the parts of your life that are not about being a caregiver.

How to beat the “Not-Enoughs”

“When will I see you again?” my Grandma Gladys would often ask as I was getting ready to leave. Instead of giving her a time and date I would answer with, “Well you know I’m awfully busy at college.” Part of that answer came out of frustration that my current visit didn’t seem to count. The other part was sheer ego. I wanted her to know that I was important and had a life. I rarely felt good after a visit that ended like that.

Was I doing enough? Could I have visited her more? I loved my grandma dearly, but had a lot of guilt about not doing “enough” for her. It’s hard to say what is enough and feelings of guilt only fuel your uncertainty.

guilt-1A simple way to beat the “Not Enoughs” is:

  1. Put yourself in a rational state of mind. (You may have to do math problems to move your brain from an emotional to a logical place. Try it. It works!)
  2. In that logical state, write down all that you do for your loved one. (Make no judgments as you write.)
  3. Stay in that unemotional place and look at your list.
  4. Ask yourself, “Could I do more? What would I do? How would it affect my life?”
  5. If it makes sense to do more, add in the time. If it doesn’t, look at your list again, but this time with a sense of gratitude for the time and energy you give.

Guilt will be a constant companion on our journeys as a caregiver, but you’re in control. Erase the guilt and embrace what you’re doing as enough.

OMG I’m a Caregiver: Three Tips to Feel Appreciated

I never thought I’d be called at 2 a.m. to help my grandpa use the commode. Who wants to see their grandfather in such a vulnerable position? But I did it, and fortunately my grandfather was good at expressing his gratitude.

This isn’t the case with all caregiving. You didn’t ask for this new role and as one caregiver shared with me, “I do everything for my mom and my siblings can’t seem to find the time to help.” Wherever you are in your caregiving journey, old sibling rivalries often return, especially when taking care of Mom or Dad.

The second letter of my S.A.N.E. acronym, Appreciated, involves understanding that your family is not going to change now that care of a parent is needed. Be realistic and look at how your family functions (or doesn’t function). Don’t expect them to change their deeply conditioned behaviors; rather, manage your own expectations. Use these three tips to feel more appreciated:

  1. Let go of feeling you need to do it all. Allow others to help.
  2. Let go of the “shoulds.” Appreciate your own health and take time for you.
  3. Give up the idea of being thanked by others. Thank yourself.

 

 

No, You can’t do it by yourself: 5 Tips for Caregiver Support

 

My mom burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant dinner and instead of asking, “What’s wrong,” I was embarrassed. I thought, “Why can’t she pull herself together?” My mom had a disease called Huntington’s disease, which renders its victims incapable of acting what many call “normal.”

If you take care of someone with a disease that causes dementia, you are not living a “normal” life and caregiving is therefore doubly challenging. You may think, “He’s doing this just to drive me crazy,” when in reality the repetitive questions or unpredictable behavior are not malicious. You’ve known this person for years and now you are their caregiver—helping with daily tasks, while getting to know someone who is actually a very different new person.

Think of it this way: Do you ever get really frustrated at a vending machine when it won’t take your dollar bill? You straighten out the bill, insert it again, and it just keeps spitting it back, even though the bill looks fine? Your loved one may also look fine on the outside, but their brain is not working the way it used to. You need to find a new way of being with him or her, while you simultaneously figure out how to take care of yourself.

I know you want to scream. Some days you even yell at your loved one, but that only adds to your stress. This is why you must find support—a person or a group which allows you space to say all the things you simply can not say directly to your loved one. Being supported along your caregiving journey is the first step in being a S.A.N.E. caregiver—Supported, Appreciated, Not guilty and Energized. Start by finding support for yourself:

  1. Educate yourself about the disease so you know what to expect.
  2. Let off steam with a trusted friend.
  3. Set aside a half-hour a day to do something just for you.
  4. Join a support group (or start one).
  5. Find ways to laugh every day.

You know you would do anything to help out someone in your shoes. It’s time to take that same spirit of helpfulness and turn it inwards. Ask for help and let others support you.